Funnies

Computer and other funnies (alert: some of these items are absolutely not PG) -- not Jewish; just funny. Very. Mostly.

Aussie circumcision:

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as quite informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

Jewish Modesty  
 
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich Prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

They then all wait for the Jew to speak... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

“I'm not selling"

Have you laid tefillin today? (R. Simche Sherer)

        A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
        When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
        The son said: "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity ."
        "No vey ," said the father. " Vot haf I dun?"
        He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.
        Jake said: "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.
        Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
        So they went to see the rabbi .
        The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, he also came back a Christian.
        What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
        The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
        Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
        The Voice said: "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel ...

A young girl, who is "chozeret bitshuva" is planning to marry the son of a rabbi.

Only, she knows that her fiancé's family will check quite thoroughly the state of her virginity, and it will be found to be wanting ....

So she goes off to her gynecologist to see what can be done about this little problem.

The doctor says that he doesn't normally do "things like this", but if she brings him the the outer skin of a sausage, he will do an implant.

She rushes back home, takes the outer skin of the sausage, and returns to the doctor.

Thirty minutes later she walks out very pleased with herself.

On the eve of the wedding, the future mother-in-law asks the young girl to allow her to do a test.

Everyone is waiting outside the room, tense, waiting for the result.

All of a sudden everyone is amazed to hear a loud shout of surprise from the Rabbi's wife, "This I have never seen before. It’s a miracle!"

"What happened?", ask the others waiting.

"Not only is she a ‘kosher’ virgin, but she even has a Beth Din stamp!”

Time for קריאת שמע (from Simche Sherer)

COULDN'T FIND A BETTER PLACE TO DAVEN?

Dancing

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" 

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"

 

CHANUKAH   STAMPS

Mimi Moskowitz goes to the post office to buy stamps for her

Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps, please."

"What denomination?" says the clerk.

Sadie says, "Oy gevalt! Has it come to this?   Alright! You should

give me six Orthodox, twelve Conservative and thirty-two Reform!"

 

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Hymie Horowitz was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second

Language class.

He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. 

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big

smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for

a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay

home."

 

FINANCIAL PROBLEMS

 A Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to give you

an Aliyah. What is your name?"

 The man answers, "Esther ben Morris."

 The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."

 "It's Esther ben Morris," the man says.

 "How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi. 

The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so now,

everything is in my wife's name."

 

HIGH HOLIDAY PERKS

Sadie Rosenberg & Sophie Schwartz were attending a rather long Shul

service.

Sadie leaned over and whispered to Sophie, "My tuchas is going to

sleep."

"I know," replied Sophie, "I heard it snore three times."

Can you trust the OU?

Before Yom Kippur:

Lewis Black - The Old Testament

But! You don't have to like Jews ...

The wonderful comic, Sam Levinson, had a great answer to anti-Semites. 

"It's a free world and you don't have to like Jews, but if  you don't, I suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products, like:
 
  The Wasserman Test for syphilis, 
  Digitalis, discovered by Doctor Nuslin, 
  Insulin, discovered by Doctor Minofsky, 
  Chloral Hydrate, discovered by Doctor Lifreich, 
  The Schick Test for Diphtheria, 
  Vitamins, discovered by Doctor Funk, 
  Streptomycin, discovered by Doctor Woronan, 
  The Polio Pill by Doctor Sabin and the Polio Vaccine by Doctor Jonas Salk. 

Go on, boycott! Humanitarian consistency requires that my people offer all these gifts to all people of the world. 

Fanatic consistency requires that all bigots accept
  Syphilis, 
  Diabetes, 
  Convulsions, 
  Malnutrition, 
  Infantile Paralysis
and
  Tuberculosis 
as a matter of principal. 

You want to be mad at us? Be mad at us! 

But I'm telling you, you ain't going to feel so good....

If only they were baritones

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7aTOvZgv7I

Jewish mother

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhilbbeUc0g&feature=player_embedded

Two businessmen in New York were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store. 
As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up. 

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some Jewish Man is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old Jewish man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What ya sellin' here?" 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." 

Without skipping a beat, the old Jewish man said, "Must be doing well, only two left." 


Jewish people - don't mess with them!  

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13: "if a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

We've been interpreting it wrong all these years."

For Rosh Ha'Shannah: Dip the Apple in the honey.

Shlomo's wife was screaming at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So he turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

One Day at the Pub (R. Sherer)

An Arab walked into a very crowded pub and was about to order a drink when he saw a guy wearing a Jewish cap (yarmulke), tzitzis, and long payos.
The Arab told the bartender, loud enough for all to hear that, he was buying everyone a drink except the Jewish fellow; "Drinks for everyone on me, except for that guy in the corner!"
After the drinks were handed out, the Jew gave the Arab a big smile, waved at him, then said, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriated the Arab. Once again, the Arab loudly ordered drinks for everyone - except the Jew. "Drinks for everyone on me, except for that guy in the corner!"
But as before, this did not seem to bother the Jewish guy, who once again smiled, waved at the Arab, and loudly yelled "Thank you!"

The Arab asked the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the fool did was smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"No, not at all," replied the bartender. "He owns this pub!"

The  Wise Rabbi

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some  research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.  The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people  were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the  milk supply again.

They  bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what  approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not  succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

They  told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches  our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When  he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and  she just walks away to the other side."

The  Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk ?"  The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where  they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you  know we got the cow from Minsk ?"

The  Rabbi answered sadly,  "My wife is from Minsk ."

A man walks into shul with a dog.

The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here." 

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
 

And the shammas looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck, this dog has a tallis bag round its neck. 

"Rover," says the man, "kipa!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head. 

"Rover," says the man, "tallis!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck. 

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven. 

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to  Hollywood ,
get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make millions of dollars!" 

"You speak to him," says the man,
 "he wants to be a doctor."

(from Mike Spiers)

An American Jew was shopping on Piccadilly, in London. He entered the posh gourmet food store, Fortnum & Mason.

A salesman in a morning coat - with tie and tails - approached and asked, "May I be of service to you, sir?"

"Yes," replied the customer, "I'd like a pound of lox."

"Sorry, sir," answered the cultured salesman, "Do you mean smoked salmon?"

"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."

"Anything else?"

"Yes, a dozen blintzes."

"I believe you mean crepes."

"Okay, a dozen crepes."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."

"You are probably referring to pate."

"Okay," said the customer, "a pound of pate, and could you deliver this Saturday? "

"Sorry, sir," said the salesman, "We don't schlep chazzerai on Shabbos!"

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers, Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Christmas can-can (we outsiders can really appreciate this)

Hitler discovers he is part black and jewish

Two Little Boys and The Rabbi (from Shayne Lichtenstein)
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were mischievous.  They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boy's mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak to her boys. The rabbi agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the rabbi in the afternoon. 

 
The rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down, and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
 
The boy"s mouth dropped open, but he made no response sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the rabbi repeated the question in and even sterner voice, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the rabbi raised his voice even move and shook his finger in the boy"s face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the close he asked, "What happed?" The younger brother, grasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

Myra Horowitz is dining in a fine kosher restaurant in Fort Lauderdale. She is about to bite into her meal when she turns to the man sitting alone at the table next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she says, "your napkin has fallen on the floor." "Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn"\'t know. I'm blindt."

He reaches down to find his napkin. Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled any food on his shirt.

Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker crumbs."

"Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replies.
 
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?"

"You're quite presentable," she replies, "your looks shouldn't be a problem."

Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
 
A few more moments pass and the lady speaks up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.

"Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help I can get," he answers.

"Lose the Jewish accent, you're a schvartza."

From the Mike Spier collection:

 JEWS ALWAYS HAVE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS

 SMART JEWS ALWAYS HAVE BRILLIANT ANSWERS.


Sir Moses Haim Montefiore (1784-1885), a British Jewish banker and philanthropist, determined defender of human rights and sheriff of London, was once seated at dinner next to an important personality and an anti-Semite, who told him he had just returned from Japan where they "have neither pigs nor Jews."

Montefiore replied instantly: "Accordingly, you and I should go there so they can have a sample of each."

Rabbi Spiegel is leading a study group at his shul when all of a sudden an Angel appears.

The Angel says to the Rabbi, "Rabbi Spiegel. You are an example to all of your fellow men. You are totally unselfish; your behaviour is faultless; your study of Judaism is extensive; and your charity giving is exemplary. So, in return for being such a mentsh, I am going to offer you a choice of reward. You can either have infinite wealth, infinite health, or infinite wisdom. What will it be, Rabbi Spiegel? Whatever you choose will be immediately granted."

Without any hesitation whatsoever, Rabbi Spiegel replies, "I would love to have infinite wisdom. " 

"Mazel tov to you, Rabbi Spiegel," says the Angel. "It’s done. Enjoy! "
 

The Angel then disappears as quickly as it had appeared. 

For a few minutes there was a stunned silence in the study group. No one could believe what had just happened in front of their eyes.

Then one of the study group broke the silence. 

"Rabbi Spiegel," he asks, "why don’t you test out your new found wisdom right away? Say something really wise to us, rabbi." 

Rabbi Spiegel replies, "Oy vay, I should have taken the money."

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door,
shaking hands as the congregation departed.

The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

Yiddish refresher (from Mike Spier)

The difference between the Jewish optimist and the Jewish pessimist (from R. Jonathan Ginsburg) 

The Jewish pessimist says, "Things can't get any worse," and the Jewish optimist says, "Sure they can!"

Definately "R" rated:

MRS. COHEN AND MRS. MURPHY

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers.  Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then...?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

JEWISH JEOPARDY (Edyth Parker)
We give the answer. You give the question.
 
 A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

 A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

 A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called ..."E-MOIL ."

Bonus question:
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A. A bris kit! (Oy Vey!)

Studying to become a Rabbi (from R. Simche Sherer)

A boy decided that he wanted to become a Rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their Shul Rabbi to find out what the job entailed. 

"Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer, " declared the Rabbi when the boy went to meet him. 

"Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbes morning, what else do you do all week? " the boy asked. 

"You don't want to become a Rabbi, " thundered the Rabbi.
" With questions like that you want to become the Shul president!"

Sometimes I feel the same way (from Michael Lichtenstein)

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. “Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?”

"Morris Feinberg," he replied. 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years." 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" 

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

Twas the night after Seders, and all through the house;
Nothing would fit me, the same with my spouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset embraced;
After both Seders, they stuck to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number;
When I tried to walk, I only lumbered.
I remember the marvelous meals we prepared;
The turkey, the brisket, the tsimmes we shared.
The matzo balls, soup, and the kugels, if you please;
For on these Seder nights there will be no Chinese.
As I tied myself into my apron again;
I spied my reflection and disgustedly then,
I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp",
"You can't walk around resembling a blimp!"
So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet;
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.
Every last food that I like must be banished;
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have more macaroons in the nice box;
I can't wait till next week, (Ah, bagels and lox).
I won't have any farfel or marrow bones to gnaw;
I'll munch on carrots and celery or wire shut my own jaw.
If I must peel, slice, dice, mash, or cook one more chicken,
they'll drag me outside, screamin' and kickin'
Any more matzah....I think I will riot
So a zisn Pesach to all and to all a good diet!

A  Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"  
The wise old Rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one. 


If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?


My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family."  

I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"


Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too.  But who cares?"


Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
 
"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes"  answered the rabbi. 
 
"Are you sure Rabbi?" 
 
"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.
 
" Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"


The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."   
 
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."  
 
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." 
 
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." 

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." 
 
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

  


Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."  

Where's Herman?

 It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides
 to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave
 and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the
 deceased is remembered.

 She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been
 there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site.
 Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small
 chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring
 over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says,
 
 "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest
  I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
 
 "That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."
 __________________________________________________
 
 13 Children
 
 A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun
 walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.
 The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He
 talked about his wife and 13 children.
 
 "My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . .  You're a good, proper 
Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"
 
 "I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
 
 "Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
 
 "Sister, why are you leaving?"
 
 "I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"
 ________________________________________________
 
 
Going to Die
 
 At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient
 into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one
 to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only six
 months to live."
 
 "Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white.
 When the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time.
 Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my
 remaining months?"
 
 "Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
 
 Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.
 
 "You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After
 all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
 
 "That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred.
 "And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of my time."
 
 "May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded,
 he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."
 
 "A Jewish girl, how come?"
 
 "It'll seem longer."
 ____________________________________________
 
 Call the Priest
 
 It was a dark and stormy night, and Mendelson, an old man, knew that
 the end was near. "Call the priest," he said to his wife, "and tell
 him to come right away." "The priest? Max , you're delirious. You mean
 the rabbi!"
 
 "No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest.
 Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?"
 
 _________________________________________________
 
 
Brisket Just Like Bubbe Made It
 
 A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat
 dinner Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the
 ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young
 girl asks her mother why she did this.
 
 The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure.
 
 This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket.
 Let's call Grandma and ask her."
 
 So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off
 the brisket before roasting.
 
 The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not
 sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."
 
 Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the
 great-grandmother in the nursing home.
 
 "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off
 the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
 
 "I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a
 pan that was large enough!"
 
 ___________________________________________-
 

 Italian and Jewish Mothers

 
 What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son won't eat
 her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't eat her cooking?
 
 The Italian mother kills her son. The Jewish mother kills herself.
 
 __________________________________________
 

 Bar Mitzvah Definition

 
 A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the
 realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team
 than he is to play for one.

Moses in the desert (a real ad from an Israeli company)

Everywhere the Jews went, they got chased out immediately. That's why shalom means "hello," "goodbye" and "peace." Because that's their story. "We're here, we're leaving, don't hit us."

These are actual Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers:
 
 Shmuel Gabbai , 36.
 I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
 Would like to take you out Saturday night.
 Please write POB 81.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Couch potato latke in search
 of the right applesauce.
 Let's try it for 8 days.
 Who knows?
 POB 43
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul
 light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays,
 build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs -
 Religion not important.
 POB 658
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get
 or can get get.
 Get it?
 I'll show you mine
 if you show me yours.
 POB 72.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys
 Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av , Taanis Esther ,
 Tzom Gedalia , Asarah B'Teves , Shiva Asar b'Tammuz.
 Seeks companion for living life in the 'fast' lane.
 POB 90.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.
 Seeks same in woman.
 POB 43.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Nice Jewish guy, 38.
 No skeletons.
 No baggage.
 No personality.
 POB 76
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Female graduate student,
 studying kaballah, Zohar,
 exorcism of dybbuks,
 seeks mensch.
 No weirdos, please.
 POB 56.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,  
 Chanukah candles,
 havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles.
 Seeks non-smoker.
 POB 787.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart  
 to,
share your innermost thought and deepest secrets.
 Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities.
 No fatties, please
 POB 86.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
 independent, self-made, looking for girl
 whose father will hire me.
 POB 43*

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up
golf. so he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned
down he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint
Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

A man complains to his Rabbi: "I'm in love with a young lady, tell me what should I do?"

The Rabbi says: "No problem, marry her!"

The man replies: "I can't, I'm married for 20 years!"

So, the Rabbi says: "No problem, quickly leave the young lady."

"I can't" says the man "I love her very much!"

"So get divorced and marry the young lady!" says the Rabbi,

"Sorry" says the man "cannot leave my wife, I love her too!"

Nervously says the Rabbi: "OK, you should convert to Christianity!"

The man is surprised: "Are you crazy? Why should I convert my religion?"

Rabbi replies: "So, after you convert to Christianity, go nudge your priest and stop annoying me!"

Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the UK newspapers read: 

English archaeologists have found traces of a 2,000 year-old fiber optic cable and have concluded t hat their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French.

One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, they found absolutely nothing." They thus concluded that 5,000years ago Jews were using wireless.

Photographer at an Israeli wedding (a bit ... uh, naughty)

(from Jeffrey Parker)

On a full bus from Bnai Brak to Jerusalem, full of Hassidim, a pretty young lady in a skimpy outfit boards the bus- and has no choice but to sit next to a Hassid.

He squirms a while, then reaches into his knapsack and hands her an apple.

"What's this?" she inquires.

"An apple." He replies,"Why did you give me an apple?" she persists.

"Because, until Eve ate the apple, she didn't realize she was naked."

The next morning, she again boards the same bus making the same run to Jerusalem.

This time she is better attired, sits down next to the same Hassid, and hands him an apple. "What's this?" he asks suspiciously.

"An apple," she shoots back.

"Why an apple?" he inquires.

"Because until Adam ate the apple, he didn't know he had to work for a living.

At breakfast time, Sophie asks her husband Max, "Vould you like maybe some bagels mit lox, a piece of herring and maybe some grapefruit and a glass'l tea?" 

"T'anks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my  appetite." 

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of mushroom barley soup and a pastrami sandwich, or maybe some potato latkes?" 

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Vould you like a juicy brisket and scrumptious kugel? Or maybe some flanken or chicken?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra ... I'm  still not hungry." 

"Vell," she says, "vould you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

The Disputation (Richard Shuster via Mort Homer)
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to totally convert to Catholicism or leave.

The Jewish people met and selected an aged but wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi could not speak Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed of sorts that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope showed up in his finest robes and the Rabbi with a clean black hat, they sat opposite each other....

The Pope raised his right hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi seeing this, sat back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his forefinger around his head.

The Rabbi then pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope quickly stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was way too clever and said the Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the College of Cardinals met with his Holiness and asked him what had happened.

The Pope sadly replied, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. The Rabbi responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my fore finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He then pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"The Rabbi bested me at every conceivable move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered in the temple to ask the Rabbi how he managed to win.

"I haven't a clue!"' the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here!"

"And then what happened next?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

If Gary Larson had ever drawn biblical ...

High Holidays humor (from R. Simche Sherer)

speaking of the last supper, this from my mother:
The Ritual

I don't know how many of you are familiar with this historical event, but now you know!

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness calls him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispers, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agrees.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opens it. They both gasped with shock,

 
              It was the caterer's bill for the Last Supper.

Now, from the Rabbinic collection (R. Sherer) ...

A Jewish couple in London won 20 million pounds in the lottery. (from Eileen Foxman)

They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then
left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for six.

Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for six when they had expressly asked him to set it for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes.


(From Edyth Parker)
    Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane for her vacation and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg, and I desire a room for the night."
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is "completely booked."
Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
"Oy, what luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take 'his' room."
"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."
"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic."
In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?"
 "That's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."
The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Jesus' mother and father?"
     "Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg, testily.
     Then the clerk asks, "And where was Jesus born?"
     "In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.
     "And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.
     "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to Jews!"

(also from Rav Sherer:)

Once a Rosh Yeshiva was sitting at a wedding with his wife (yes, with his wife!).

When dessert came, his eyes opened wide and he took a huge slice of cake, then another until his wife said sternly "You shouldn't be having that."

The Rosh Yeshiva got up and exclaimed, "That's it -- separate seating at simchas".

Jewish garage door opener (from Benjamin Krajmalnik)

Jewish Teeth (from Edyth Parker)

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz, a dentist, fled his native Germany . 

He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, well above the limit he could bring into the U.S. 

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained, "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but, I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" 

Morris replied, "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but, I am so Orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food...."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly, "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Smith climbs to the top of  Mt. Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God.  
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to  you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks,  'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies,  'In a minute.'

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man  replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very  surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man  then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,  what  should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll  let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man  and says, "I spoke to  her on the phone for  three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said "yes" and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the  poison'

(from Jeffrey Parker)

(from Mike Spier)

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL (from Edyth Parker)

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10.Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11.Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12.Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13.Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14.WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15.Always whisper the names of diseases.
16.If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17.The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18.Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19.If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20.Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

(from Andrew Guidroz II, the Cajun wonder)

from the collection of Jeffrey Parker, these gems:

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell
him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said, "Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "That is the tradition!"
_____________________________________________

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
 "Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
 "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
 "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
 "No, not him."
 "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
 "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
 Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good  enough for you?"
______________________________________

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
 _______________________________________________

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle,
shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

A Jewish Mother  (from Jeffrey Parker)

Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son Moshe for
dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Golda.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
help but notice how pretty Moshe's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Moshe and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Moshe volunteered,

'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Golda and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Golda came to Moshe saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,

I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing

ever since you were here for dinner. 
Love, Moshe

Several days later, Moshe received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Golda,

and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,

she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama


Moral:   Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Jewish.

Jewish Zodiac (from Edyth Parker)

The Year of:

CHICKEN SOUP 
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003 
You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children: resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish. 

EGG CREAM 
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004 
You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide. 

CHOPPED LIVER 
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005 
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "what am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your backside. 

BLINTZ 
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006 
Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is with the right topping you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear. 

LATKE 
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007 
Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin Sour Cream. 

BAGEL 
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008 
You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much. 

PICKLE 
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009 
You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life. 

SCHMEAR 
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010 
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher. 

PASTRAMI 
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011 
Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side. 

BLACK AND WHITE ICE CREAM SODA 
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012 
Kids love you but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bi-polar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself. 

KNISH 
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013 
Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider Medical or Law School but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league. 

LOX 
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014 
Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear although you top them both.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. 

Debutante Ball (from Edyth Parker)

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal mess dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: no Jews please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in mess dress, four handsome, smiling black naval officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Ma'am," said the first officer. "Captain Goldstein never makes mistakes."


The Talmudist (from Mike Spier)

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and he thought:

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow... Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go to Samvet. But why would he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there.

But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha, only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only daughters, two of them, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest , and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.

But if he came from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is Kovacs.

But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the University. Nothing less would do.

At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man and says,
“Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Not at all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."

The miracle makers (from Mike Spier)

They were having a good time at the saloon, talking about this and that. Kelly brags about his priest, Father Murphy.

“He’s a saint that man. A real miracle maker. At last year’s St. Patrick’s parade in Boston, Father Murphy single handedly carries the saint’s statue when the weather turns and it starts to rain. ‘Oh no you don’t’ shouts Father Murphy, ‘not on Saint Pat’s holy statue’. He closes his eyes and prays real strong, throws in a few Our Fathers and a few Hail Marys, and then a Miracle! Father Murphy continues walking the parade carrying the holy statue; in front of him there’s rain, behind him rain, right and left there’s rain, but the statue remains dry. That’s a holy man for you!”

“Nice try” says Leibowitz, “but this is nothing compared to our holy Rabbi Finkel. Wanna hear the story?”

Everybody wants to hear the story.

“Well” says Leibowitz, “it’s Shabbos and Rabbi Finkel is walking to the Temple. Nice day, no rain, the sun is shining. Then, on the sidewalk right in front of him he notices a fat wallet bursting with hundred-dollar bills. What to do? Picking things up and carrying them is work which is strictly forbidden on the Shabbos. But how can he leave that wallet there, lost and abandoned? He thinks for a moment, closes his eyes and prays real strong, and then a Miracle! In front of him there’s Shabbos, behind him Shabbos, right and left there’s Shabbos….”

 How Jews invented the Internet (received from Edyth Parker)

You don't believe it? Push the fersctunkanah button!
Click here: In the Beginning.

(from Mort Homer)

Abe has a job that takes him everywhere, and he frequently has problems finding a synagogue in some of the towns. So he figures God is everywhere and decides to go into a Catholic Church to worship.
 
He takes out the tallis, puts on his yarmulke and dresses himself and proceeds to pray.
 
The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services and having heard the whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non-Catholics please leave."
 
Abe goes right on davening.
 
Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics please leave."

Nobody moves. Nobody responds.
 
Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave!"
 
At this Abe gets up, folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off his yarmulke and puts it away.
 
Then he goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says the immortal words:
 
"Come bubbele, they don't want us here anymore."

And you guys thought golf was invented in Scotland ... (from Jeffrey Parker)

From way back, it has long been thought that the game of golf originated in Scotland in the 15th century. Recently uncovered evidence indicates that this sport actually began in eastern Europe and for many years was enjoyed by the Jews of the area. Stories passed down from generation to generation told of Moses and Aaron and their famous Desert Classic, which endured for 40 years. This great tradition was reborn many years later in the fields and forests of eastern Europe.

A shepherd, Velvel Gross, passed the time by hitting pebbles with his shepherd's crook. The number of times he hit the stones became known as Gross Score. He eventually decided to lay out an actual course by utilizing adjacent farmers' properties. The playing area consisted of 18 segments - the number chosen to represent the Hebrew symbol Chai, meaning Life. The game could then be played by Wednesday golfers as nine holes (half-Chai), regular golfers as 18 holes (Chai), enthusiasts and fitness-freaks as 27 holes (Chai-and-a-half) and with the wives during mixed play (double-Chai).

The putting surface was named after Moishe Green, because the shortest grass was found on his property. The search for durable projectiles (which could sustain repeated strikes with wooden sticks) led to the Rebbetzin's kitchen, where her dimpled matzo balls were the clear-cut winners. They came in 90 or 100 compression and were vigorously tested by a mechanical arm called Iron Myron.

Parva, or Par, meaning neither here nor there, was the number of shots allocated to each hole. Faivel the Sissy scored the first recorded Birdie, as onlookers shouted, 'Not bad for a Faygelah!' The Eagle was so named for Adler the Schtarker, who scored the first amazing two-under-par!

Soon courses sprang up all over the land with such exotic names as Knobble Beach , Grieven Valley, Seder Brook and the two richest clubs: Chelm Ridge and Chai Ridge. This particular group was known as The Haymishe Five.

Membership in these clubs provided many diverse activities. Tournaments such as Blintzes and Schnapps and Beat the Czar (which was a shotgun) were organized.

A committee of men was responsible for the many rules and regulations that all were required to observe. Men's and women's facilities were strictly segregated according to Jewish law. A dress code was rigidly enforced, in spite of the women's insistence on the right to bare arms....

Shortly thereafter, the top golfers in the land emerged and formed the PGA, also known as the Polish Galitzianer Association.

And that, boys and girls, is the story of how the Jews invented golf.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
 
A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
 
"When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."
 
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."
 
The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

A joke only a Jew would understand… (received from Jeffrey Parker)

A Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my  Bubaleh.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, Tataleh!

"Come right back home, Schein Kindaleh.

"Your Mommy loves you, my Ketsaleh!" 

At the end of the day she runs to her son and hugs him. 

"So what did my Pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"

The boy answers, "I learned that my name is Jerry."

Remarkable Quotes from Remarkable  Jews  (received from Edyth Parker)
  
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
 Henny Youngman
 
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
 Mel Brooks
  
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish.
 Lenny Bruce
 
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
 Shalom Aleichem
 
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
 Calvin Trillin
 
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
 Golda Meir
 
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
 Peter Malkin
 
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
 Benjamin Disraeli
 
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
 Sam Levenson
 
Don't be humble; you are not that  great.
 Golda Meir
 
God will pardon me. It's His  business.
 Heinrich Heine
 
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.  
 Joe E. Lewis
 
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
 Sam Goldwyn
   
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
 Arthur Miller
 
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life -- unless I buy  something.
 Jackie Mason
 
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
 Woody Allen
 
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
 Groucho Marx
 
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
 Groucho Marx
 
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to  it.
 Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
 George Burns
 
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
 Milton Berle

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
 George Burns
 
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
  Henry  Kissinger

Jewish zodiak (received from Eileen Foxman)

Three Holy Men and a Bear...

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy  water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.
 
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Hava Nagila, Texas Style (from Fred Fenig)

Watch this video. It's a church in Texas that raises money for Israel every year. Just look at the faces of the singers, they're really having a good time. Betcha you never heard Hava Nagila sung like this. It had me dancing in my seat.

A man arrived at Ben Gurion International Airport in Israel, with two large bags. A customs agent stopped him, opened one bag and found it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asked the passenger: "How did you get this money?" 

The man said: "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe and went into all the public restrooms that I could. Each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, 'Donate money to Israel or I will cut off your balls." 

The customs agent was stunned and mumbled: "Well ... it's a very interesting story. What do you have in the other bag?"

The man said: "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel ."  

Pesach, Beatles style (courtesy of R. Simche Sherer)

Our search engine (also from R. Sherer)

The Four Questions, Mr. Roboto (received from Jeffrey Parker)

Why no one robs a 7-11 in Israel (received courtesy of Fred Fenig)

RABBI IN SPACE (received from Charlene Lichtenstein)

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the Earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, colors and creeds.

They recently realized they had excluded the clergy so they invited a priest, a minister and a rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle ....

Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.

First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, his statement was full of joy. 

He said, 'I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans.'

Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, 'I saw the magnificent earth, our home. I saw the majestic sun.  I'm truly in awe!'

Then the rabbi came out. He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and pointing in every direction, his keppah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled like you can't imagine. 

They asked him, 'Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?'

He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY?  What was to enjoy? Oy vey ... Oy vey! Every 5 minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the tfillin, off with the tfillin; shacharis, mincha, maariv, shacharis, mincha, maariv! Oy Gevalt !"

Yiddish Cartoons (latest addition to The Lichtenstein Collection)

Not my kind of Rabbi! (received courtesy of R. Simche Sherer)

Well, this may not be R. Sherer's kind of Rabbi but it is funny (my friend, Rabbi Sherer, has his tongue out in his cheek, of course).

Matzoh basketball (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

Try your hand at "dunking" the Matzoh ball.

Alternate link

Even superheroes need God (received from Eileen Foxman)

The Widow's Story

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks:  "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies: "I want to make a Shiva call."

Perfectly Legal! (from Laraine Moss through Morton Homer)

A rabbi was walking down the street when he noticed one of his congregants on the other side of the street entering a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi crossed the street to peer in the window of the restaurant to see what his congregant was doing in the trayf (non-kosher) restaurant.

The congregant ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch.

Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. The congregant was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite when the shocked rabbi, unable to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront his congregant.

"Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's trayf!"

"Hold on," said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?"

"Yes, I did," replied the rabbi.

"Did you see me sit down at this table?"

"Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified.

"Did you see me order?"

"I most certainly did," the rabbi attested.

"Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" the congregant asked.

"Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed.

"Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked the congregant.

"Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi.

"Well, then," the congregant said calmly, "what's the problem? It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"

JEOPARDY -- THE CATEGORY IS "BEING JEWISH" (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois?
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.

Q! What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.

Q: Define "genius"…
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 560SL convertible.


Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave..."

One of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs .

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

A Bar mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

A pill was developed to increase the sexual desire of Jewish women. There is only one side effect.
 
A headache.

(received courtesy of Shannie Lichtenstein)
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

'Oh Mom' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown made by the best designer in New York ?'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President Elect replies, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on 20 January 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says:

'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming the President of the United States ?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Says Mom proudly, 'Her brother's a doctor!'

A Gift From God (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
 
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.
 
In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
 
The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'

Chapter and Verse (received courtesy of Fred Fenig)

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.

He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the book out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words, which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk.

The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the Temple in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies, "Chapter 11."

(received courtesy of R. Simche Sherer)

Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years.

Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer.

"Goldstein," the buyer says laughingly, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least the last 25 years or so. Now, here is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock.

The ribbon buyer goes ballistic.

He calls Goldstein and yells, "What's going on here? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and you send me four trailer-loads full of it!" 

Goldstein replies calmly in a soft voice: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."

Hebronics (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a siginificant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' "

Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honour at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebronic response: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "It's a beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"

The Lichtenstein Collection:

Diagnosis (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the synagogue," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the rabbi under the bed."

(received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

A guy got a new dog. It was a nice Jewish dog, so he called him Irving. He couldn't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally came over, the guy called Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he was.  The guy pointed to the newspaper by the door and commanded, "OK, Irving: Fetch!"

Immediately the dog climbed on to the couch and sat, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stopped. His doggie smile disappeared. He started to frown and put on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whined, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy. This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it!  It's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!

The neighbor was absolutely amazed, stunned. In astonishment, he said, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," said the owner. "He's not  fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."

Jewish Weapons of Mass Destruction

Would that it where not so painfully true....


Kosher gas station (received courtesy of R. Simche Sherer)

Holidays (off color - received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

It's that time of year again.... This one goes around every Christmas. But, like Bing Crosby singing White Christmas, it's still heart warming. (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.  We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year
.  Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves ... and begin to sing "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Moishe Plotnik's Laundry (a true story)



Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist  from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners...






When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown
 ?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although
he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'"

The old man answered, "Ah ... Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner."


Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"It me, Me him!" replied the old man.




"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?"


"It simple" said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at Documentation Center of Immiglation. Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland ."




He say to her, "Moishe Plotnik."


Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"


I say, "Sam Ting."

Jewish Haiku (received courtesy of Mark Riffey)

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
 
Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.
 
On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
 
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
 
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
 
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
 
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
 
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
 
Like a bonsai tree,
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
 
Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
 
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
 
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
 
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
 
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
 
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
 
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
 
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
 
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
 
Quietly murmured
at Yom Kippur services,
"Yanks 5, Red Sox 3."
 
A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
 
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

 
And since we're in an Eastern mode, here' s some Jewish Buddhism for the Jewbu's among us:
 
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
 
Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.
 
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
 
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
 
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
 
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
 
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.
 
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
TheTao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
 
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your problems.
 
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded
shoulders.
 
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
 
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
 
The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.

Yeshiva skier (received courtesy of R. Simche Sherer)

In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 gates in the fastest time.

 
Well, it happened that a very Orthodox Yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.

After first checking to make sure none of the men's slalom races would be on the Sabbath, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team.
 
With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an Olympic gold medal.
 
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.
 
The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds.
The German in 37.8 seconds.
The Italian in 38.1 seconds.
 
Then came the turn of the Canadian Yeshiva bocher. The crowd waited ... and waited . . . . 
 
Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.
 
"What happened to you?" screamed his coach when the skier finally arrived.
 
Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, "All right, who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"

Why "SH" is so Important in Yiddish (received courtesy of Michael Lichtenstein)

From the shul bulletin (from Debbie Posner):

  • Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
  • Thursday, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
  • The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
  • A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  • Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
  • Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  • The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
  • We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
  • The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

The Amazing Jew (off color)

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:   "Don't Miss The Amazing Jew."
  
The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Jewish man wearing a name tag with the  name, 'Morty' written on it.
  
After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
  
The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.
  
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same sign now faded, "Don't Miss the Amazing Jew."
  
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. There stood Morty before them. The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!
  
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show. "You're incredible," he told Morty, "but I have to know something. When I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
  
"Vell, I tell ya sompin," said Morty, "my eyes ain't vat dey used to  be!"



Tashlich (received courtesy of Fred Fenig)

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to a body of water to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.

Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:

For ordinary sins: White Bread
For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel
For complex sins: Multi-Grain
For twisted sins: Pretzels
For tasteless sins: Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision: Waffles
For sins committed in haste: Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah: Fresh Bread
For substance abuse: Stoned Wheat
For petty larceny: Stollen
For committing auto theft: Caraway
For timidity/cowardice: Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness: Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity: Nut Bread
For not giving full value: Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism: Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony: Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances: Hero Bread
For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn Bread
For war-mongering: Kaiser Rolls
For causing injury to others: Tortes
For racist attitudes: Crackers
For sophisticated racism: Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou: Bagels
For abrasiveness: Grits
For dropping in without notice: Popovers
For over-eating: Stuffing
For impetuosity: Quick Bread
For raising your voice too often: Challah
For pride and egotism: Puff Pastry
For sycophancy : Brownies
For being overly smothering: Angel Food Cake
For laziness: Any long loaf

SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM FOR YOM KIPPUR (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)

 During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern 
 over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to 
 place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete 
 the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as 
soon as possible. 

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:) 
___ Talking section 
___ No talking section 


 2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:) 
___ Stock market 
___ Sports 
___ Medicine 
___ General gossip 
___ Specific gossip (choose:) 
___ The rabbi 
___ The cantor 
___ The cantor's voice 
___ The cantor's significant other 
___ Fashion news 
___ What others are wearing 
___ Why they look awful 
___ Your neighbors 
___ Your relatives 
___ Your  neighbors' relatives 
___ Presidential Election (uh oh) 
___ Sex  (Preference:______________________ )
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with with whom
___ Other:_______________________________ 


  3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free 
 professional advice?  
__ Doctor 
__ Dentist 
__ Nutritionist 
__ Psychiatrist 
__ Child psychiatrist 
__ Podiatrist 
__ Chiropractor 
__ Stockbroker 
__ Accountant 
__ Lawyer 
__ Criminal 
__ Civil 
__ Real estate agent 
__ Architect 
__ Plumber 
__ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ ) 
__ Sexologist 
__ Golf pro  [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One] 
__ Other:____________________________ 

  4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:) 
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit 
__ Near the window 
__ In Aruba 
__ Near the  bathroom 
__ Near my in-laws 
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible 
__ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible 
__ Near the pulpit 
__ Near the Kiddush table 
__ Near single men 
__ Near available women
__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services 
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services

__ Where I can sleep during  the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]  


5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where: 
__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza 
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza 
__ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza 
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza 

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: 
(Limit of  six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider 
joining another  congregation.)

_________________________ 
_________________________ 
_________________________
_________________________ 
_________________________ 
_________________________ 
_________________________ 

Your name:_________________________________ 
Building fund pledge:  $________________________

SHMAIS.com: The Shofar and the Pooch (courtesty of Michael Lichtenstein) -- You have to see this one.

Blowing Two Shofars

Israel commercials Ad TV (courtesy of Morton Homer) -- language and nudity alert

Yiddish for Beginners (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker): Yiddish with Dick and Jane

Jewish Weddings Quiz (received courtesy of Edyth Parker)

Question 1: How do you know when you are at an Orthodox Jewish Wedding?
Answer
: The mother of the bride is
pregnant.              

Question
2: How do you know when you are at a Conservative Jewish Wedding?
Answer
: The bride is pregnant.

Question
3: How do you know when you are at a Reform Jewish Wedding?
Answer
: The rabbi is pregnant
.
 

An Honest Bar Mitzvah Invitation (received courtesy of Fred Fenig)


It is with great  stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial  sacrifice beyond comprehension,
That we invite you to join us as  our wonderful son

 
Jacob Adam  
 
Is called to
The Torah as a Bar  Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's  Day Weekend)

Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
 
Westport, Connecticut 06880

At the  ungodly hour of 9:00 am even though you don't really need to be  there until 10:20am to catch the real action.

If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (it's
Just  cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly

Large  and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which  starts at 7:00 PM,
(not 8:00 PM. Or you will miss out on  the 2000 canapes).

Birchwood Country Club  
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join  just for this event and

You would not believe the  initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots  of

Boisterous and expensive entertainment
And  60 to 70  unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny  hats,
Fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
As well  as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees,  most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of  REAL bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines.  At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.   

Please have the courtesy of  showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show.  Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date.  I can't  take the stress.

The  gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account  number.  "Off the top of your head" gifts
And Gift Cards  are a waste of your time and ours.  

Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller
 
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO yarmulke. I don't have the strength.

 

BLUFFER'S GUIDE TO GOING TO SHUL (received courtesy of Fred Fenig)


     Worried about looking like a lemon in shul?


     Finding the shul service impossible to follow?
 
Many people suffer from what is known in religious circles as "Mainstream Judaism". No need to worry, however. Our team of spiritual healers have devised a cure and we are making it available to you exclusively today. Please pass it on to anyone you know who may be suffering in silence.
 
"Shul Rules" is your ten step guide to synagogue confidence:


1. If you arrive after the start don't sit down right away, but instead open the book near the beginning and spend 2 or 3 minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognize any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them a little louder so those around you can hear.

2. Find a seat just behind someone who looks like they know what's going on. (You can tell this person because they are likely to be mumbling to themselves under their breath.) Make sure this person is using the same prayer book as you. Keep a note of what page they are on by glancing casually over their shoulder every now and again. A pair of strong magnification glasses may help here.

3. When putting on the tallit, wrap it around your head for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.

4. Liberally sprinkle your time in shul with more barely audible mumbles as you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest goes down very well.

5. Don't jump up whenever the person in front does so. They may be stretching their legs. Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation are standing. In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs you won't look conspicuous.

6. See those guys near the front that are wandering around with an air of assurance? These are the shammosim. AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange like opening the doors of the Aron Kodesh or, heaven forbid, saying something in Hebrew out loud to everyone.

7. The easiest way to look the part is to shockel. I have met people who have won international shockelling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were. Advanced shockellers will even shockel when everyone else is sitting. (Of course, sometimes this may be a disguised leg-stretch).


Schockelling is an entire lesson in itself but there are two basic forms. The "lateral swing" is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations. Here the practitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of the body repeatedly twists at speed.

The "Hammerhead" is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox shuls and, as the name suggests, the congregant looks as if they are trying to bang a nail into the floor with his head. (I say "his" because women prefer to use this time for kibitzing or kvelling over the way their grandson shockels.)

Shockelling mainly takes place during the silent Amidah. This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea where everyone else is. All you do know is that if the others were really reading all the prayers involved they would be contenders for the world speed-reading record. You know when it starts because everyone takes three steps back, then three steps forward, then they bow. This is your cue to start shockelling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent Amidah is signaled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to the left, the right and the centre and then looking round to see if they won.

8. Is the Rabbi speaking in English and yet you can't understand what he's on about? If so, this is the sermon and it's your job to look alive. Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to complete cryptic crosswords. The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple: The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals "you should go to shul more regularly" or "your home isn't kosher enough."

9. Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business and football are particularly appropriate topics of conversation. Seeking kavanah and listening to the sermon will be regarded with suspicion in most communities.

10. If you can keep your cool until the end of the service you will be rewarded. At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some as you bash out Ein Kelohaynu and Adon Olam just like you did at cheder all those years ago.
 
One final word of warning. If it goes well and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running, you will be classified as a regular. This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next synagogue chairman. 

 

 

The Politically Correct Yinglish Dictionary

A Passover Miracle?

One day, little Jacob is praying to God when Arthur, the town "grouch," passes by.

"Why in the world are you praying?" asks Arthur. "You're wasting your time."

"God forbid!" says Jacob. "I'm praying to the Almighty God, who has performed wonders and miracles like leading the Jewish people out of Egypt and helping them cross the Red Sea."

Arthur scoffs and says, "Please, you think that really happened? I read that the Red Sea was only about 10 inches deep when the Hebrews left Egypt, so there was no miracle at all!"

Arthur walks towards the bus stop, but looks back and sees Jacob still praying. He can't resist so he turns back and asks Jacob, "Why are you still praying? I told you that God didn't perform any miracles in Egypt!"

"Oh no," says Jacob, "the Almighty is greater than I thought. How miraculous that he was able to drown an army of Egyptians in only 10 inches of water!"

A Jewish town had a shortage of men of marriageable age, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership of him.

A rabbi was called in to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."

To this the first woman replied, "If that's the only solution rabbi, then do what you have to do."

The rabbi responded. "Ah...this is the real mother-in-law!"

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. 

He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

Life, explained (the six days of creation)

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
 
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
 
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
 
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

...

Cop: "He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!"

(Got this one from Jeff Slarve)

Alan King, "Survived by his..." (Just hysterical but may not be appropriate for everyone.)

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING (maybe not strictly "Jewish" but too funny to pass up)

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14:  Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted  area.
7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10:   While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."  One of the clerks passed out.

THE SHIDUCHÂ… (Arranged marriage)

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.

So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.

He says she's just the right age for the son.  She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart, and she’s a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: "Is she also good in bed?"

The marriage broker answers, "some say yes ... some say no...."

Hyman Goldfarb went to Buckingham Palace to be knighted by the queen. When he knelt for her to put the sword on his shoulder, he was supposed to say something in Latin, but he forgot it.

So instead he said something in Hebrew, a question from the Passover seder, "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

And the queen turned to her grand chamberlain and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

"Jewish" (from Israeli TV) There is some slightly risqué language in this. You've been warned <g>.

Seder a la Facebook


                             Maybe not so funny....

 

 

At the Olympics:                                                                                                  

Here is an important Talmudic question
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Question:  Is it permissible to take Viagra on Shabbat?

Answers: One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.

Another Rabbi says that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

And what Bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of THREE blessings:

  • Baruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - Bless you God for straightening those who are bent;

  • Ya'aleh v'yavo - Arise and come;

  • Baruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - Bless you God for raising the dead.

  

A disappointed Coca Cola salesman returns from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make it.  But, I had a problem. I didn't know Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message via 3 posters.


 
First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted.
Second poster : The man drinks Coca Cola.
Third poster : The man is now totally refreshed.
"These posters were pasted all over the place."
"That should have worked!!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!!, said the salesman. "I didn't realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!"

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah as the congregation was filing into the sanctuary, Rabbi Feldman noticed little Max standing in the foyer of  the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ' Happy New Year Max. '

'Happy New Year, Rabbi Feldman,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Rabbi Feldman, what is this?'
 he said, pointing to the plaque.

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
 
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?'

SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS: 

1. Under same management for over 5,763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of 'Thou shalt not' don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should
be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: 'The future of
the Jewish people are in your hands.'
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They
sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on
white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. 'Would you like dinner?,' the
flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. 'What are my choices?,' Moshe asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, 'Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?' Gevarter replies, 'I make a nice living....'
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: 'shmuck.'
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, 'I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name... and forgot to write a letter. '
11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in
the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow 'oy.'
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow 'oy.'
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, 'Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children.'
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, 'Is anything all right?'

ZEN JUDAISM

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

 Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood
 and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir
 until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.

 Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a
 life without problems. What would you talk about?

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient
beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens
to be Jewish?

In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or
not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask
only, "Is it good for the Jews?"


To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand
petals. You might want to see a specialist.

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her seat to the old lady. It is hot.

The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?" The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."