Computer & Other Funnies
You ain't gonna believe these ...
(received from ... my mother!)
'
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50
times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week
! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
I don't remember much about what happened next
My condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable , I should eventually make a full recovery.
And, for you Catholics out there ... (received from Jeffrey Parker)
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
High School Reunion (from Jeffrey Parker)
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first,wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando .
Samantha confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX
1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory ... I
don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the
Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still
sleep with their wives!
|
Apple does it again!
|
Apple announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!
Medicine Man (received from Edyth Parker)
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift
certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it
must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working? "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"
he
responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we too could end up with a dangling participle.
DAD AT THE MALL (received from Jeffrey Parker)
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. His clothes were equally colorful: bright blue pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt....and I think there was eye makeup involved, too. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What?s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
The
Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! (received
from Jeffrey Parker)
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty
sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of
having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a
quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The
only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10
List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very
well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10.
Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5.
Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a
man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to
Life!
And the unanimous number
one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
Irony ...
A true senior experience - we'll get there and will not even know we did - that's the great part about it.
An 83 year old woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer.
The officer asked the woman, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"
The woman looked very perplexed, but stammered out, "Well - yes I was - but I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going."
A few minutes later the woman was on her way, in the possession of a warning ticket, and the young officer was standing there shaking his head, with a smile on his face.
Birds
of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If
you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in
trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells
'Theirs....'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of
Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
A
woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
Home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is
asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
For Mother’s Day:
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN).
To those of us who have children in our lives, Whether they are our own, Grandchildren, Nieces,
Nephews, or students ... This will make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" Said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped Creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" Said the Father.
"I don't know," Said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising His children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
Trunk monkeys (hysterical)
An Irish school girl who knows what she wants (received from Jeffrey Parker)
REDNECK LENT
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
|
Caution... They
walk among us!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put
it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want
it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge
for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***Theywalk
among us!***
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where?'
***They walk among us!!***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was
north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the
sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I
don't keep up with that stuff.'
***They walk among us!!***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one
of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think
she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They walk among us!!!!***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a
scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.
***They walk among us! ***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
***They walk among us!!!!!***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted
10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.....
***They walk among us!!!!!!***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to
an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the
same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned..
***They walk among us!!!!!!! ***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled
and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in
good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
***They walk among us!!!!!!!!***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Not only
do they walk among us, they also vote and
reproduce!!!!
Born This Way: The Difference Between Men and Women (hysterical)
Supermarket products from around the world
Psychopath Test (received from .... my brother)
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that
said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for
it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the
situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
IN THIS SHORT VIDEO, THE HOSTESS IN THE LOBBY OF A BIG HOTEL INFORMS A SENIOR CITIZEN THAT NO BATHING SUITS ARE ALLOWED IN THE LOBBY. SCORE ONE MORE FOR SENIORS! LIKE SOMEONE SAID, DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE. THEY'RE ALREADY MAD BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD AND YOU CAN'T HOPE TO WIN.
|
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa (received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)
The IRS decides to audit
Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice
burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way
this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
Deaf Sex (recieved courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)
Two
deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they
can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling
around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
FROZEN
SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her
husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take
it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O.K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at
the scene.
Excerpts
from a Dog's Diary...
8:00 am - Dog
food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park!
My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My
favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball!
My
favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched
TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My
favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Idiots.
There
was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement
for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and
smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my
advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to
be more than willing to return.
The bird has got to be an informant.
I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain
that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For
now...
THE DUCK IS DEAD!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Steven Wright is a famous, erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by
exact duplicates".
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite-
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.
One
day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bill says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen,
you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs $10. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So,
Bill deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts, found in aisle
2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Bill
hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in
his concoction, and waits for the results.
The
computer prints the following:
1.
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
WHAT
PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching
Sunday school was speaking to
her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to
Heaven ... Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand
and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy
and Daddy's bedroom the other
night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost
her."
The nun fainted.
Computer Repair
|
Caller:
Hi, our printer is not working. |
You've heard of wedding cakes? See divorce cakes.
|
A
FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. |
Advice
from Curtis & Leroy:
Limit all US
politicians to two terms;
One in office,
One in prison.
The City of Detroit and the
State of Illinois already do this.
| Maxines ... |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Maxine
on "Driver Safety"
"I
can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for
making gestures."....... |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
FINALLY
. . .
A
Keyboard for Old Men!
|
Paddy
was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his
bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from Home
Depot. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red
and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw",
you hit her with the shovel.'
A
group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round
of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking
about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my
golf team in college and I was pretty good Would you mind if I joined you
next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say yes',
but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but
they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this
may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They
rolled their eyes, but said okay.. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll
be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the
guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and
invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there
at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat
them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were
totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by
beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem
to be purposely showing them up They invited her back again, but each man
harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The
third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15
minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer
played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The
men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman
was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and
finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I
like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in
the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in
the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
A
woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her
she was pregnant..
She
burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An
older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her
story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then,
the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What
the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old,
she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was
pregnant???!!!"
The
new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up
said:.........."Does she still have the hiccups?"
A
crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign
hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
After checking his wallet, the old guy walks up to the bar and beckons to the
exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of
sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she
inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young
lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure
am"
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well
sweetheart, wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."
New
Seat Belt law.
This becomes effective OCTOBER 1, 2009 in ALL Countries.
The National Highway Safety Council has
done extensivetesting on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
when the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below...
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%
I KNOW....YOU SMILED.
YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN
(received from Michael Lichtenstein)
|
Two
old guys, one
80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, theres a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, I want 5 loaves."
She
said, "My goodness,
5 loaves ....by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll
be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me." |
A
man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a
tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to
fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the
woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her
nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have
never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking
anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'
Sunshine:
The
following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
These
are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...
Q.
Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar
Q.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink
A.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and
canoeists
Q.
How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down
on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q.
What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a
fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the
sun joins the fight
Q.
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a
house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q.
In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex
can only happen when a male gets an election
Q.
What are steroids
A. Things for keeping
carpets still on the stairs (Shoot
yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.
What happens to your body as you age
A.
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental
Q.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery
(So
true)
Q.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q.
What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does
it to the bull instead of the cow
Q.
How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple,
but brilliant)
Q.
How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The
abdomen)
A. The body is
consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels: A, E, I, O and U
(What
the *!!*???)
Q.
What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose'
mean?
A.
Nearby
Q.
What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium (That
would work)
Q.
Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.
The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q.
What is a seizure?
A.
A Roman Emperor. (Julius
Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q.
What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at
the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
feature?
A. Mushrooms. They
always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q.
Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning
A.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)
Q.
What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.
Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q.
What is a turbine?
A.
Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
|
I just remodeled my bathroom ...
|
Woman's
Dark Side
(courtesy of Jeffery
Parker) The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.' |
First
woman on the moon
You have to be old enough to appreciate this. If you don't understand it, you
are too young.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day
when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he
is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing
again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well,
she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in
our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
and
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
I don't care how good the food is ...
HISTORICAL FACTS
They
used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in
a pot and, then, once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.
If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor."
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even
afford to buy a pot. They "didnt have a pot to piss in" and were
the lowest of the low.
The next
time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here
are some facts about the 1500s:
Most
people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to
smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence
the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths
consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
Houses
had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained
it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There
was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your
nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor
was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying,
"Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when
you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a
thresh
hold.
(Getting
quite an education, aren't you?)
In those
old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had
food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes
they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors
came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man
could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share
with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused
some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.
Bread was
divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the
family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "the upper crust.
Lead
cups were used to dringk ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock
the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along road would take
them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
of holding a wake.
England
is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury
people. So they would dig up coffins
and would
take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in
the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell;
thus, someone could be, saved
by the
bell or was considered a dead ringer....
And that's
the truth...
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a
certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick,
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ... and then there are educators!
|
Video/Audio:
R rated: Banned Commerical
R rated: Why Women Can't Play the Piano
Another banned commercial (PG13?)
PC: when you don't know how to talk to your computer
Bowling (you don't need to be a bowler to appreciate this)
The Ball Girl -- just amazing
Morse Code vs. Texting -- and the surprize winner is ...
X rated: Prize winning ads
A man owned a small ranch in Texas.
The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to
his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his
own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," said the
agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher
Blonde
A
man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf
balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, and not being
able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?"
$40,000 funeral
Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the
last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and
dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in
close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The
whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial
Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
Yeah...she'll remember him every time she looks at THAT.
Eileen
and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand,
embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and
massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob
watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in
the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
|
Little Johnny Strikes Again
The
teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a
sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated..' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering. Johnny said, ' My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried. |
An old prospector
shuffled into town leading an old
tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only
saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to
the hitch rail. As he stood
there brushing some of the
dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and
a bottle of whiskey
in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and
laughed, saying, 'Hey old man,
have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No,
I never did dance, just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger
grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna'
dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off
or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like
a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit
to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go
back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-
barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers back. The
loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the
desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around
very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the
old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun
never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've
always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don't waste ammunition
and
2. Don't mess with us old people.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S
REVENGE
As
she fumbled for her wallet,
I
noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
UNDERSTANDING
WOMEN
(A
MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES
AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper...
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE
VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
WHO DOES
WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created
man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the
masterpiece
A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps
it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to
say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
"I didn't
think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I
can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was
stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took
home." He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my
wife in bed with
the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up
the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
damn poison."
Texas Chili Cookoff -- one of the classics of all times
Medical Funnies (well, maybe not so funny)
Blonde 2009
|
Golf for beginners:
