Computer & Other Funnies
An elderly lady was
invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her
husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very
much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her
hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the
cranky old asshole what his name is.'
Tombstones
Sign at one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in
the world:
Trouble (and
some good advice - from Edyth Parker)
| from the Michael Genender
collection: |
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Kleptomania
(Mike Spiers)
From the Spiers collection:
The
car went overboard and fell into the sea.
Observe
how, with the aid of modern technology and equipment, rescue
workers rose to the challenge.
Childs
dinner Prayer (Jeffrey Parker)
Be
nice. Sometimes
we forget the really important things in life.
Last
week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson
asked if he could say grace.
As
we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along
with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
how to pray. Asking
God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing
this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?"
As
I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He
winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer."
"Really?"
my grandson asked.
"Cross
my heart," the man replied.
Then,
in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally,
I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson
stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He
picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for
you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch! "
A surgeon went to check his patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause.... which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after merely having their tonsils out"
STUDENT WHO
OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM (Jeffreuy Parker)
I would
have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle
did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would
it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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"Wax
Job" (Buddy Hackett -- and definitely PC17+)
Google
can locate you anywhere you are ... (Stamos
Fafalios)
CONDOM HISTORY
(Russ Eggen)
Interesting Piece of history.
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat
first.
Woman
(Lorin Kane)
A real woman is a man's best
friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without
fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate
desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the
room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait....
Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind.
The FERRARI (Loren Kane)
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour," states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "! That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.
WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ," worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.
He got an A.
Life in six steps (from
Leroy Shultz's dad)
-Teacher;
what kind of wife do you like Johnny?
- Johnny;
I want a wife like the moon..:
-
Teacher; wow what a choice!, do you want her
to be beautiful and calm like moon?
- Johnny;
no, I want her to come at night and disappear
in the morning.
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Teacher
asks the kids what they want to be when they grow up; and the kids propose
things like painter, astronaut, president, banker, carpenter… etc.
Finally,
Little Johnny: When I grow up I want to be hairy, very hairy, all over.
Teach:
Little Johnny, we’re talking about how you plan to earn a living when grown.
LJ:
Sure, teach. That’s what I’m talking about, too. I want to be very hairy.
Teach:
How so? Explain!
LJ:
My elder sister Marilyn who just turned 12 has started growing hair on her body,
and you wouldn’t believe how much money she’s been earning with it.
Another from the Mike Spiers
collection:
Have
you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers
and grandfathers?
(from
Michael Genender)
Well,
here it is:
There
was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to
spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday
morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive
in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter.
One
particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward
to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the
drive.
When
they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather, who was still in bed.
"Well,
did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
"Oh,
yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole,
piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper,
or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost
brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Bob - A
heart-warming story of the exertions of love; make sure you watch
it all, until after the credits .... (from
Mike Spiers)
Taco
Bell has the same effect on me (best chainsaw imitation--you may want to be
alone when opening this)
This
is a hot new product.....good stuff! Just
in Time for the holidays!
The
Jog Strap
Great
card trick
When
you've got a dog and the poor thing is not feeling well then leave him alone.
Don't always think you can make him feel better by scratching his ears, patting
him or rubbing his tummy.
Check
out the attached video and tell me you don't feel sorry for the puppy.
When
your dog is ill, leave him alone
Customers
... (From Drew Bourrut)
Two
women were playing
golf. One teed off
and watched in
horror as her ball
headed directly
toward a foursome
of men playing the
next hole.
The ball hit
one of the
men. He
immediately
clasped his
hands
together at
his groin,
fell to the
ground and
proceeded to
roll around
in agony.
The woman
rushed down
to the man,
and
immediately
began to
apologize.
'Please
allow me to
help. I'm a
Physical
Therapist
and I know I
could
relieve your
pain if
you'd allow
me, she told
him.
'Oh, no, I'll be
all right. I'll be
fine in a few
minutes,' the man
replied. He was in
obvious agony,
lying in the fetal
position, still
clasping his hands
there at his
groin. At her
persistence,
however, he
finally allowed
her to help. She
gently took his
hands away and
laid them to the
side, loosened his
pants and put her
hands inside. She
administered
tender and artful
massage for
several long
moments and asked,
'How does that
feel'?
"Feels
great", he
replied; "but
I still think my
thumb's
broken"
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A
Primer: Understanding Derivatives
(from
Mike Spiers)
Heidi
is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.
She realizes that virtually
all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no
longer afford to patronize her bar. To
solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows
her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps
track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the
customers loans).
Word gets
around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing
strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into
Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in
Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands,
Heidi gets
no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases
her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that
these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases
Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern
because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!
At the bank's
corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge
commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These
"securities" then are bundled and traded on international
securities markets.
Naive
investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to
them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed
alcoholics. The
bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the
hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage
houses.
One
day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at
the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand
payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so
informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons.
But, being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their
drinking debts.
Since Heidi
cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The
bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight,
DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and
prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic
activity in the community.
The suppliers
of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had
invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They
find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with
losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her
wine
supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family
business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is
taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and
lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately
though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives
are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached
cash infusion from the government. The
funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on
employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's
bar.
Now
do you understand?
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What
is a calorie?
Calories
are the little bastards that get into your
wardrobe at
night
and sew your clothes tighter...
MY
CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS
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Halloween
Warning
If
you haven't had your laugh for the day... I am sure this will do the job!
Click
on the perfume bottle below:
Scottish
Ballad
The
best way to get a woman to exercise? (Definitely not PC)
Irish Logic
(from Mike Spier)
A
tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."
A
strong young man at a construction site was bragging that
he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength
He
made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After
several minutes, the older worker had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.
'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're
on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'
Just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they
have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ...
How soon can I go home?'
QUOTE
OF THE YEAR:
"and
then God created the orgasm,
so
that women can moan
even when they are
happy."
Please
excuse the four letter words in the following story
I
would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....
A
young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When
they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh,
mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..."
Suddenly
she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started
using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home...,
"PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to
stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so
awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please
don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*
"Darling,
baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these
horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh,
Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...
I'll
pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Holy
Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered
by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we
do for
you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was
interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please
place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door
at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and
slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot
facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER...!
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What
animals think
Larry
Is In The Hospital ...
Who
in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his
wife,
says "Where the hell have you been?"
Larry
replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did
you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?", she said, shaking her
head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while
I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,
lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry
is in Memorial Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
British
Humour (a Limey Rodney Dangerfield?)
I
was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms
with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,
and we're stoning her in the
morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers, so I did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals
were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at
the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man
of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl
in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools
this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching
altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not
understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is
having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
An Erection Lasting More than Four Hours
(from my mother!)
What happens when you ask for help
with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that
he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The
lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me
a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she
returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup
truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.
The
Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half
an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come
to ...'
'Oh,
no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have
you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are
my specialty?'
'Well
that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After
a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave
everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can
really spread out there.'
'Bathtub,
living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well,
Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results.'
'My,
that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.
'Ma'am,
in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five
minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't
I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The
photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh,
my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And
these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was
so difficult to work with..'
'She
was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes,
I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four
and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes',
the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness
approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on
my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs.
Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's
true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get
to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh
yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be
held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.
Smith fainted.
(from Mike Spear)
Number 10
Life
is sexually transmitted.
Number
9
Good
health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number
8
Men
have two emotions : Hungry
and
Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make
him a sandwich .
Number
7
Give
a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number
6
Some
people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number
5
Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number
4
All
of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It
pays no attention to criticism.
Number
3
Why
does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you
$30.00?
Number
2
In
the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And
The Number 1 Thought
Life
is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass
tomorrow.
-
- - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
3
Kings?
Teacher
:
Can
you
tell
me
the
name
of
3
great
kings
who
have
brought
happiness
&
peace
into
people's
lives?
Little
Johnny
:
Smoking
,
Drinking
&
fucking...
|
|
|
|
THE GAY
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (from
Edyth Parker)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super...."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Only
Buddy Hackett could get away with this one (rated
R)
THEY
FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR SEUSS
Dr.
Seuss
For
Older
Kids
(from Lorin Kane) |
 |
 |
 |
The
very first "senior moment" on record.
And
that, my friend, is what happened to the dinosaurs!
Dicken's
Cider (PG-17)
Advice
to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker (from
Mike Spier).
An
old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young
thing...
He
asked the trainer that was near-by: "What machine in here
should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The
trainer looked him up and down and said: "I would try the
ATM in the lobby."
|
You
think English is easy?(from
Edyth Parker)
1)
The
bandage
was
wound
around
the
wound.
2)
The
farm
was
used
to
produce
produce.
3)
The
dump
was
so
full
that
it
had
to
refuse
more
refuse.
4)
We
must
polish
the
Polish
furniture.
5)
He
could
lead
if
he
would
get
the
lead
out.
6)
The
soldier
decided
to
desert
his
dessert
in
the
desert.
7)
Since
there
is
no
time
like
the
present,
he
thought
it
was
time
to
present
the
present.
8)
A
bass
was
painted
on
the
head
of
the
bass
drum.
9)
When
shot
at,
the
dove
dove
into
the
bushes.
10)
I
did
not
object
to
the
object.
11)
The
insurance
was
invalid
for
the
invalid.
12)
There
was
a
row
among
the
oarsmen
about
how
to
row.
13)
They
were
too
close
to
the
door
to
close
it.
14)
The
buck
does
funny
things
when
the
does
are
present.
15)
A
seamstress
and
a
sewer
fell
down
into
a
sewer
line.
16)
To
help
with
planting,
the
farmer
taught
his
sow
to
sow.
17)
The
wind
was
too
strong
to
wind
the
sail.
18)
Upon
seeing
the
tear
in
the
painting
I
shed
a
tear..
19)
I
had
to
subject
the
subject
to
a
series
of
tests.
20)
How
can
I
intimate
this
to
my
most
intimate
friend?
|
Let's
face
it
-
English
is
a
crazy
language.
There
is
no
egg
in
eggplant,
nor
ham
in
hamburger;
neither
apple
nor
pine
in
pineapple.
English
muffins
weren't
invented
in
England
or
French
fries
in
France
.
Sweetmeats
are
candies
while
sweetbreads,
which
aren't
sweet,
are
meat.
We
take
English
for
granted.
But
if
we
explore
its
paradoxes,
we
find
that
quicksand
can
work
slowly,
boxing
rings
are
square
and
a
guinea
pig
is
neither
from
Guinea
nor
is
it
a
pig.
If
teachers
taught,
why
didn't
preachers
praught?
If
a
vegetarian
eats
vegetables,
what
does
a
humanitarian
eat?
Sometimes
I
think
all
the
English
speakers
should
be
committed
to
an
asylum
for
the
verbally
insane.
In
what
language
do
people
recite
at
a
play
and
play
at
a
recital?
Ship
by
truck
and
send
cargo
by
ship?
Have
noses
that
run
and
feet
that
smell?
How
can
a
slim
chance
and
a
fat
chance
be
the
same,
while
a
wise
man
and
a
wise
guy
are
opposites?
You
have
to
marvel
at
the
unique
lunacy
of
a
language
in
which
your
house
can
burn
up
as
it
burns
down,
in
which
you
fill
in
a
form
by
filling
it
out
and
in
which,
an
alarm
goes
off
by
going
on.
English
was
invented
by
people,
not
computers,
and
it
reflects
the
creativity
of
the
human
race,
which,
of
course,
is
not
a
race
at
all.
That
is
why,
when
the
stars
are
out,
they
are
visible,
but
when
the
lights
are
out,
they
are
invisible.
PS.
-
Why
doesn't
'Buick'
rhyme
with
'quick'
?
You
lovers
of
the
English
language
might
enjoy
this
..
There
is
a
two-letter
word
that
perhaps
has
more
meanings
than
any
other
two-letter
word,
and
that
is
'UP.'
It's
easy
to
understand
UP,
meaning
toward
the
sky
or
at
the
top
of
the
list,
but
when
we
awaken
in
the
morning,
why
do
we
wake
UP
?
At
a
meeting,
why
does
a
topic
come
UP?
Why
do
we
speak
UP
and
why
are
the
officers
UP
for
election
and
why
is
it
UP
to
the
secretary
to
write
UP
a
report?
We
call
UP
our
friends.
And
we
use
it
to
brighten
UP
a
room,
polish
UP
the
silver;
we
warm
UP
the
leftovers
and
clean
UP
the
kitchen.
We
lock
UP
the
house
and
some
guys
fix
UP
the
old
car.
At
other
times
the
little
word
has
real
special
meaning.
People
stir
UP
trouble,
line
UP
for
tickets,
work
UP
an
appetite,
and
think
UP
excuses.
To
be
dressed
is
one
thing,
but
to
be
dressed
UP
is
special.
A
drain
must
be
opened
UP
because
it
is
stopped
UP.
We
open
UP
a
store
in
the
morning
but
we
close
it
UP
at
night.
We
seem
to
be
pretty
mixed
UP
about
UP!
To
be
knowledgeable
about
the
proper
uses
of
UP,
look
the
word
UP
in
the
dictionary.
In
a
desk-sized
dictionary,
it
takes
UP
almost
1/4th
of
the
page
and
can
add
UP
to
about
thirty
definitions.
If
you
are
UP
to
it,
you
might
try
building
UP
a
list
of
the
many
ways
UP
is
used.
It
will
take
UP
a
lot
of
your
time,
but
if
you
don't
give
UP,
you
may
wind
UP
with
a
hundred
or
more.
When
it
threatens
to
rain,
we
say
it
is
clouding
UP.
When
the
sun
comes
out
we
say
it
is
clearingUP.
When
it
rains,
it
wets
the
earth
and
often
messes
things
UP.
When
it
doesn't
rain
for
awhile,
things
dry
UP.
One
could
go
on
and
on,
but
I'll
wrap
it
UP,
so........it
is
time
to
shut
UP!
Now
it's
UP
to
you
what
you
do
with
this
email.
|
TWENTY
DOLLARS (from
my mother!)
On
their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women
are like phones: They like to be held, talked to,
and touched often.
But push the wrong button
and your ass is disconnected!
Alzheimer's
Test for Modern Seniors (from Edyth Parker)
How
fast
can
you
guess
these
words:
1.
F_
_K
2.
PU_S_
3.
S_X
4.
P_N_S
5.
BOO_S
6.
_
_NDOM
Answers:
1.
FORK
2.
PULSE
3.
SIX
4.
PANTS
5.
BOOKS
6.
RANDOM
You
got
all
6
wrong....didn't
you?
Don't
worry.
you
don't
have
Alzheimer's.
You
are
just
a
pervert
A man,
while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as
to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole
he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must
be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the
same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't..'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
Irish
Logic
(from
Mike Spier)
There
are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause
of "Mad Cow disease", arranged for an interview with a farmer who
may have some theories on the matter....
The interview went as follows:
The
lady reporter:"I
am here to collect information on the possible sources of "Mad Cow
Disease". Can you offer any reason for the spread of this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and replied: ...............
"Do
you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Reporter (obviously
embarrassed and perplexed): "Well,
sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between what
you are saying and "Mad Cow disease"?"
Farmer: "And
also madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "
Reporter: "Sir,
thanks for the valuable information, but what about getting to the point ?
"
Farmer: "I
am getting to the point, madam! Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits
twice a day.... and only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you get bloody mad
? "
This program was never broadcast.
A man
was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For
Sale." He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the
dog is in the backyard.
The man
walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You
talk?" he asked.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
said "So, what's your story?"
The
Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. but
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger,
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies; and now I'm just retired."
The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he
wanted for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the
bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken
engagement.
"Yeah," said Rob,
"would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful,
and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"
No way in hell said the bartender.
Well, said Rob, neither would my fiance.
Calling home for
mommy (from Mike Spier)
-- “Hi honey, this is
Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
-- “No, Daddy. She's
upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause,
daddy says
-- “But honey, you
haven't got an Uncle Paul.”
-- “Oh yes I do, and
he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”
Brief Pause.
-- “Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into
the driveway.”
-- “Okay, Daddy, Just
a minute.”
A few minutes later,
the little girl comes back to the phone.
-- “I did it,
Daddy.”
-- “And what
happened, honey?”
-- “Well, Mommy got
all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then
she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving
at all!'**
-- “Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?”
-- “He jumped out of
the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out
the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
dead.”
*****Long
Pause*****
*****Longer
Pause*****
*****Even
Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says
-- “Swimming pool?
............. Is this 486-5731?”
-- “No, I think you
have the wrong number...... ...”
"Your
Hard Work is Something I Wish to Emulate" (watch the cartoon!
- received from Ben Parker)
Here is old age at its best ...
(from Jeffrey Parker)
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know Where Russ lived, so he was unable to find Out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and --
Lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, What in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
...
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
THE SHOEBOX
(from Edyth Parker)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever
got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness..
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
|
A Prayer...
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I
don't have time to CROCHET!!
|
|
A
stock man is piling fresh avocados when a woman asks him where the broccoli is;
he apologizes explaining that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and
goes back to work.
Several
moments later the same woman says “ I can’t find the broccoli”; he calmly
explains again that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back
to work.
Five
minutes later the same woman says “ Why can’t I find the broccoli”; the
man turns to the woman and says “can you spell cat, like in catalog?”
The woman replies “cat”.
The
upset man asks ““can you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman
replies “dog”.
The
man heatedly asks ““can you spell f__k, like in broccoli?” The woman
screams back at him “there is no f__k in broccoli”. He screams back at
her “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
"The Middle Wife" by an
anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second
grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot
of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.
This is an inspirational piece
and a lovely tribute to the joys of aging …
Walk with me by the water, worth
the read...
A beautiful message about growing older:
Shit, I forgot the words....
DIRECT
AND RIGHT TO THE POINT...
|
From
a Teacher -- short and to the point
In
the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of
capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please
take note of the following statement...
"Capitalization
is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and
helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
|
Web
Side Sory
The
other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway
jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck',
and I starting jumping
up and down along with her.
She
said, 'I have some really great news!'
I
said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She
stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and
told me that she was
pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I
couldn't be happier for you!'
Then
she said, 'There's more.'
I
asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'
She
said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed
at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she
knew. She said....
(You're
going to love this!)
'Well,
that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home
pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack.
Both tests came out positive.'
The ULTIMATE in
Women's Body Piercing...
Biggest
turn on for guys!
Men all over the country are urging their wives
and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.
The going rate now exceeds $10,000.
Many men feel it is worth it.
Planting the garden (from
Michael Genender)
An old Italian man lived alone in
New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very
difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to
help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter and described his
predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a
reply.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI
agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie
The
Best Margarita Ad
The
Great Ad Libber (from Mike
Spier)
Many,
Many, Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty
automatic transmission business.
They
were getting ready to tape their first introductory video. As a warm up, the
stage crew began what has become a legend within the training industry.
This
man should have won an academy award for his stellar performance. He is
improvising all the way.
Now remember and keep in mind, this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written
down. Nothing he says is true. He had NO script! This was a rehearsal
for camera, lighting and stage crew.
It's all total meaningless drivel made up as he goes along.
I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming
Congressmen, car salesmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.
Only
a Farm Kid... (from
Edyth Parker)
When
you're from the country, your perception is a little different ....
A
Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you
want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk
to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,
pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I
know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but
I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The
Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
(from
Mike Spear)
Best
friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in
spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share
office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a
sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was
also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down
again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" –
unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
It's
all about the look on the good dog's face ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
Hell,
yeah,
I'm
gonna
sniff
it!!
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|
|
|
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For
all the keen gardeners out there ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
I have
never seen a Willy Pepper before ...
These are actual peppers from a garden. They
really are called "Willy Peppers."
By
the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!
Sort
of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
Gentleman
Golfer (from
Jeffrey Parker)
A
golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf
course.
As he
goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It
says 'PRIVATE PROPERTY -
STAY OUT!'
The golfer
says, "I am sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have
it?"
The man
says, "It in my yard and so it is my ball now."
The golfer
looks at the man and says "I understand."
He then
walks back to the golf cart gets
a golf ball and
walks back and throws it in the yard.
The man
says "What is that for ?"
The
golfer replies "I'm a gentleman. Every prick should have two
balls."
Amazing home remedies
(from Mike Gorman)
1. Avoid cutting yourself when
slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you
chop.
2. AVOID arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the
sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be
afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
He's
My Brother (Jeffrey
Parker)
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and
proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
This
man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...
(oh! the things my mother sends me!)
Until he went to prison.
A
woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000
and feels pretty good about the results; so she decides to conduct a little
test.
She
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper and, before leaving, says
to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think
I am?'
'About
32,' is the reply.
'Nope!
I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The
girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The
woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now
she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on
her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The
clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again
she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They
wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.
She
finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He
slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against
each other.
After
a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He
completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned
and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The
old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I
promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
(from
Jeffrey Parker)
A
cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal.
Feeling
somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist:
$5.00
+Broiled
Missionary:
$10.00
+Fried
Explorer:
$15.00
+Baked
Democrat or Grilled Republican:
$100.00
The
cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why
such a high price for the Politicians?"
The
cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're
so full of shit, it takes all morning."
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN
COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE
OF THE PREGNANT LADY
(from
Mike Spier)
A
lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat
This
time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again… The man
seemed more amused.
When
on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.
The
case came up in court.
The
judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She
sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming'
and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick
Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your
Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost
it.
'CASE
DISMISSED!!' said the judge.
|
You
will never guess what this ad is about ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
BEWARE
OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST! (from
my mother!)
One
evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim
Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair
of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he
said to himself as a ittle 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them
out.
'April', he hollered into the
bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker.
'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
When
Insults Had Class
These glorious
insults are from an era before the English
language boiled down to 4-letter words:
A member
of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either
die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That
depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether
I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had
delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has
all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire." - Winston Churchill
Lady to
Winston Churchill, If I were your wife, I would give
you poison. To which Churchill responded, madam,
if I were your husband, I would take it!
"I have
never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has
never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary." - William
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you
for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no
time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't
attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has
no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
George
Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"I am
enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
-
"Cannot possibly
attend first night, will attend second....
if there is one." - Winston Churchill,
in response.
"I feel
so miserable without you; it's almost like having
you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is
a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just
learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is
not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness
in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is
simply a shiver looking for a spine to run
up." - Paul Keating
"In order
to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves
nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest
Tucker
"Why do
you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother
should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause
happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
go..." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses
statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts
... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has
Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had
a perfectly wonderful evening. But
this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
|
A
woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside
and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that... that is
way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional
booth and closes the door.
The boy says 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.'
As
a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room.
She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, downing
a cold beer, and watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on
the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
Pet Peeves from the dog's
perspective:
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk
is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't
quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
8. Dog sweaters ... Hello ... have you noticed the fur?
9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff up when you're not home.
10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind
schedule that puts me?
11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back.
12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment
for the top of the food chain.
Author, unknown
The
Arrogance of Authority
A
DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas ,
and talked with an old rancher.
He
told the rancher, "I need to
inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs."
The
rancher said, "Okay , but don't go
in that field over there...", as
he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
" Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching
into his rear pants pocket, he removed his
badge and proudly displayed it to the
rancher.
"See
this badge?! This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any
land !!
No
questions asked or answers given!!
Have I made myself clear ... do you
understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized,
and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard
loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA
officer running for his life, being chased
by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis
bull...
With every step the bull was gaining
ground on the officer, and it seemed
likely that he'd sure enough get gored
before he reached safety. The
officer was clearly terrified.
The
rancher threw down his tools, ran to the
fence and yelled at the top of his
lungs.....
"Your
badge, show him your BADGE... !"
|
|
|
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that
it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important
is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions,
and other signs of appreciation."
- - Anonymous
"I think, therefore I'm single."
- - Female philosopher
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- - W. Somerset Maugham
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
- - Smith & Jones
"Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority."
- - Doctor Who
"I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe"
- - Anonymous
Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
IBM means I Blame Microsoft.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER
Hardware:
This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
Bus Error - Please Take The Train.
For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed
comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some
beta site users have reported an occasional problem with
IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks
in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional mutterance printed on the display.
"I am Pentium of Borg. Precision is Futile, Prepare to be Approximated."
"What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator."
Real programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make schedules. Managers firm-up schedules.
Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.
"Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the
universe."
-- Albert Einstein
"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary.
No such faith comforts the software engineer."
-- Fred Brooks.
"... and on the 7th day, God turned off his Macintosh."
Programming /n./ A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a
workstation...."
"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
-- Mitch Ratcliffe.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95.'"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Error messages can be quite strong indeed. We have one of the most arrogant compilers in the business,
a source of great pride for us. Typical error messages include:
WELL, IF THAT AIN'T ABOUT THE DUMBEST DANG THANG
I EVER SEEN!
WHADJA DO THAT FER?
ERROR TWENNY SEM, DUMB AICE!
DAMMIT, BOY, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU?!
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
the Universe is winning.
-- Rich Cook
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
"ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]"
" The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we
come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. "
-- Nathaniel Borenstein
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
-- Ferenc Mantfeld
"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the
most interesting."
-- Dr. Who
You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI
interface with a button labeled 'I'm a clue - click here to acquire me.'
-- Seth Finkelstein
The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
"The Meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to
objects of its own creation."
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
Hit any user to continue ...
"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies."
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
"One of the problems the internet has introduced is that in the electronic village all the village-idiots
have internet access."
--"Peter Nelson"
"We build (software) systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes -- build the whole thing, push it
off the cliff, let it crash, and start all over again."
-- R. M. Graham, 1968
Real programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only
to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners, and other mental defectives.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
"Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-- Douglas Adams
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
-- Marilyn Pittman
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
"Get the facts first. You can distort them later."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows
where you live.
Real programmer's programs don't work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine
they can be patched into working order in only
a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
"So long and thanks for all the fish"
- - The Dolphins
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first ever
combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. And the makers
of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go
off! Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with
a bang!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited
while imagination embraces the entire world." -Albert Einstein
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
"On the side of the software box, in the 'System Requirements' section, it said 'Requires Windows
95 or better'. So I installed Linux."
Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this
terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences by showing young people that
it's just not worth it. So, so please ... give generously ...
to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London SW3.
Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should
such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
You see, to be quite frank Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botched job you see. We only
had seven days to make it.
-- 'Time Bandits'
The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed
- - Chamfort.
"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
-- Posix 2.1.1 System Shutdown Message
Computers, all they ever think about is hex!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them...
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...
Due to the current economic situation the light at the end of the
tunnel has been temporarily switched off.
Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi.
Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi
to do their programming.
-- Simon Slavin
All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
-- Philip K. Dick
Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."
"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."
"Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector."
"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]"
"Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples:
Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ?
Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has just occured ?"
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
"Walking on water and developing software from a
specification are easy if both are frozen."
-- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
By the time (the Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But the
investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it cost a fortune to maintain
and is still in danger of collapsing. There are no plans to replace it, since it was never needed in the first
place. I expect every installation has its own pet
software which is analogous to the above.
-- Ken Iverson
I don't object to Microsoft's monopoly,
I object to Microsoft's mediocrity
-- Larry Ellison
"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something."
-- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl |
Employee
of the Month
We have a Winner!
![[]](employee.jpg)
This
is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
There is a reason laptop spelled
backwards is potpal.
A
balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida,
walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much
younger gal at his side.
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The
jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing
this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I
know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no
money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
See........Not All Seniors Are Senile
A
letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi
Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I
have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the
caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try
to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway
last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When
she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It
was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is
that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
BLESSED
ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
|
TWENTY-NINE
LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My
husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I
don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of
it.
3. Some
people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
4. I
used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out
alive.
6. You're
just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty
is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth
is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm
not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out
of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil,
the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The
gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being
'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
1 7. Wrinkled
Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.
18.
Procrastinate Now!
19. I
Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
20. A
hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They
call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A
picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
26.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.(how true)
27. The
trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The
original point and click interface was a Smith &
Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is
going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially
your friends! Life
is too short and friends
are
too few!
|
|
|
Air
Show Disaster:
Amazing
photos show great detail.
The
pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses
a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One
can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
Probably
scared the shit out of them.
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful
young girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you
are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl
says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After
the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably
have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!
Joe
wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes
across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The
bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is
shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He
immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition
for 10 years.
'Well,
it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain.'
And
he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That
night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally,
they take the bike there.
But
just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in.
'When
we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No
problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe
is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.
In
the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They
sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As
dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So
he leans over and kisses Sandra.
So
he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still,
nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off,
throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
'She's
got a great body,' he thinks.
So
he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties,
and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
After
she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now
his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But
still, Total silence.
All
of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket....
Suddenly
the father shouted....
'I'll
do the fucking dishes!
A
man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple
parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past
the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the
parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service
for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't
drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door,
and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for
someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B....
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
A
young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small town in New Brunswick .
With
his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly,
a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The
embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You
stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your
knee!"
-------A
man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly
at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked
in."
Jesus
is back
Beefeater
tour of the Tower of London
I
recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a
packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy. There was this beautiful
woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new
at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the
package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me
to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked
confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. 'Do these excite you?', she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck
that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip
the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed
her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We
don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done
within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my
thumb to show her. That's when she beat the crapout of me....
|
A
tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl
about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss
an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me
a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
Subject: Understanding
Engineers (from Chris Kloss)
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second
engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when
a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off
all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer
nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice:The clothes probably wouldn't
have fit
you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's
with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's
have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The
green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a
moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, " Good idea. I'm going to
contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The
graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate
with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He
bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and
stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and
do
anything you want. "Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled
at it and
put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for
one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer
said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking
frog - now that's cool!" |
"I
LOVE
YOU"
IN
10
LANGUAGES
|
|
I
Love
You
|
|
|
Te
Amo
|
|
|
Je
T'aime
|
|
|
Ich
Liebe
Dich
|
|
|
Ai
Shite
Imasu
|
|
|
Ti
Amo
|
|
|
Wo
Ai
Ni
|
|
|
Jag
Alskar
Dig
|
|
|
As
Tave
Meliu
|
Alabama
,
Arkansas,
Oklahoma,
Texas,
Louisiana,
South
Carolina,
Georgia,
Tennessee,
Florida,
Mississippi
,
Kentucky,
North
Carolina,
West
Virginia,
Virginia,
Saskatchewan,
Alberta
|
Nice
Tits,
Get
in
the
Truck.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
A
new blonde joke!!!
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper
replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give
it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators
all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the
gator onto its back.
Then,
rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...
'SHIT'!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
A
LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND
BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED
HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE
NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF
A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE
QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE
TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP
YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN
SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE
PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING
TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE..."
My
prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please
don't mix these up like you did last year!
APARTMENT for RENT
(my mother sent this to me!)
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for
$250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady....
My
wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was
awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM
"Hi
Jack!" (South African humor, from Simche Sherer)
A
foursome of guys is waiting at
the mens tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The
ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit
her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then
she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She
looks up at the patiently waiting
men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those " F---ING LESSONS" I took
over the winter didn't help.'"
One
of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it. You should have
taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
He was 43...
Old guys are helpful ...
An old
guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with
long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look
like?"
The old
guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most old men are helpful like that.
![[]](water1.jpg)
