Computer & Other Funnies

An elderly lady was
invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her
husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very
much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her
hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the
cranky old asshole what his name is.'
Sign at one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in the world:

Trouble (and some good advice - from Edyth Parker)


| from the Michael Genender collection: |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
Kleptomania (Mike Spiers)
From the Spiers collection:
The car went overboard and fell into the sea.
Observe how, with the aid of modern technology and equipment, rescue workers rose to the challenge.
Childs dinner Prayer (Jeffrey Parker)
Be nice. Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch! "
A surgeon went to check his patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause.... which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after merely having their tonsils out"
|
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM (Jeffreuy Parker) I would have given him 100% Q1. In which battle
did Napoleon die?
|
"Wax Job" (Buddy Hackett -- and definitely PC17+)
Google can locate you anywhere you are ... (Stamos Fafalios)
CONDOM HISTORY
(Russ Eggen)
Interesting Piece of history.
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat
first.
Woman (Lorin Kane)
A real woman is a man's best
friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without
fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate
desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the
room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait....
Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind.
The FERRARI (Loren Kane)
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour," states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "! That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.
WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ," worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.
He got an A.
Life in six steps (from Leroy Shultz's dad)

-Teacher; what kind of wife do you like Johnny?
- Johnny; I want a wife like the moon..:
- Teacher; wow what a choice!, do you want her to be beautiful and calm like moon?
- Johnny; no, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.
Teacher asks the kids what they want to be when they grow up; and the kids propose things like painter, astronaut, president, banker, carpenter… etc.
Finally, Little Johnny: When I grow up I want to be hairy, very hairy, all over.
Teach: Little Johnny, we’re talking about how you plan to earn a living when grown.
LJ: Sure, teach. That’s what I’m talking about, too. I want to be very hairy.
Teach: How so? Explain!
LJ: My elder sister Marilyn who just turned 12 has started growing hair on her body, and you wouldn’t believe how much money she’s been earning with it.
Another from the Mike Spiers collection:

Well, here it is:
Bob - A heart-warming story of the exertions of love; make sure you watch it all, until after the credits .... (from Mike Spiers)
Taco Bell has the same effect on me (best chainsaw imitation--you may want to be alone when opening this)
This is a hot new product.....good stuff! Just in Time for the holidays!
When you've got a dog and the poor thing is not feeling well then leave him alone. Don't always think you can make him feel better by scratching his ears, patting him or rubbing his tummy.
Check out the attached video and tell me you don't feel sorry for the puppy.
When your dog is ill, leave him alone
Customers ... (From Drew Bourrut)
|
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
|
|
A
Primer: Understanding Derivatives
(from
Mike Spiers) |

|
Halloween
Warning

If you haven't had your laugh for the day... I am sure this will do the job!
Click on the perfume bottle below:
The best way to get a woman to exercise? (Definitely not PC)
Irish Logic (from Mike Spier)
A
tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."

A
strong young man at a construction site was bragging that
he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After
several minutes, the older worker had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.
'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ...
How soon can I go home?'

QUOTE
OF THE YEAR:
"and
then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."
Please excuse the four letter words in the following story
I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When
they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly
she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started
using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home...,
"PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to
stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so
awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*
"Darling,
baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these
horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...
I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
|

Larry Is In The Hospital ...
Who
in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his
wife,
says "Where the hell have you been?"
Larry
replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did
you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?", she said, shaking her
head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while
I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,
lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is in Memorial Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
British Humour (a Limey Rodney Dangerfield?)
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
An Erection Lasting More than Four Hours (from my mother!)
What happens when you ask for help
with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that
he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The
lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me
a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she
returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup
truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
(from Mike Spear)
Number 10
Life
is sexually transmitted.
Number
9
Good
health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number
8
Men
have two emotions : Hungry
and
Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make
him a sandwich .
Number
7
Give
a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number
6
Some
people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number
5
Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number
4
All
of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It
pays no attention to criticism.
Number
3
Why
does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you
$30.00?
Number
2
In
the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And
The Number 1 Thought
Life
is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass
tomorrow.
-
- - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
|
Only Buddy Hackett could get away with this one (rated R)

| THEY
FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR SEUSS Dr. Seuss For Older Kids (from Lorin Kane) |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
The very first "senior moment" on record.

And that, my friend, is what happened to the dinosaurs!
|
Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker (from Mike Spier).
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was near-by: "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said: "I would try the ATM in the lobby." |
You think English is easy?(from Edyth Parker)
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.
A man,
while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as
to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole
he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must
be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the
same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't..'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
Irish Logic (from Mike Spier)
There
are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause
of "Mad Cow disease", arranged for an interview with a farmer who
may have some theories on the matter....
The interview went as follows:
The
lady reporter:"I
am here to collect information on the possible sources of "Mad Cow
Disease". Can you offer any reason for the spread of this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and replied: ...............
"Do
you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Reporter (obviously
embarrassed and perplexed): "Well,
sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between what
you are saying and "Mad Cow disease"?"
Farmer: "And
also madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "
Reporter: "Sir,
thanks for the valuable information, but what about getting to the point ?
"
Farmer: "I
am getting to the point, madam! Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits
twice a day.... and only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you get bloody mad
? "
This program was never broadcast.
A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.
The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You
talk?" he asked.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
said "So, what's your story?"
The
Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. but
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger,
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies; and now I'm just retired."
The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he
wanted for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.
"Yeah," said Rob,
"would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful,
and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"
No way in hell said the bartender.
Well, said Rob, neither would my fiance.
Calling home for mommy (from Mike Spier)
-- “Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
-- “No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, daddy says
-- “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.”
-- “Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”
Brief Pause.
-- “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.”
-- “Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
-- “I did it, Daddy.”
-- “And what happened, honey?”
-- “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!'**
-- “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
-- “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says
-- “Swimming pool? ............. Is this 486-5731?”
-- “No, I think you have the wrong number...... ...”

"Your Hard Work is Something I Wish to Emulate" (watch the cartoon! - received from Ben Parker)
Here is old age at its best ...
(from Jeffrey Parker)
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know Where Russ lived, so he was unable to find Out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and --
Lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, What in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
...
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
THE SHOEBOX
(from Edyth Parker)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever
got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness..
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
|
A stock man is piling fresh avocados when a woman asks him where the broccoli is; he apologizes explaining that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back to work.
Several moments later the same woman says “ I can’t find the broccoli”; he calmly explains again that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back to work.
Five minutes later the same woman says “ Why can’t I find the broccoli”; the man turns to the woman and says “can you spell cat, like in catalog?” The woman replies “cat”.
The upset man asks ““can you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “dog”.
The man heatedly asks ““can you spell f__k, like in broccoli?” The woman screams back at him “there is no f__k in broccoli”. He screams back at her “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

"The Middle Wife" by an
anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second
grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot
of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.
| Signs of the times.... |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|
From
a Teacher -- short and to the point
In
the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of
capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please
take note of the following statement...
"Capitalization
is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and
helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that? |
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more.'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.'
The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...Biggest turn on for guys!

Planting the garden (from Michael Genender)
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a reply.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie
The Great Ad Libber (from Mike Spier)
Many, Many, Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty automatic transmission business.
They were getting ready to tape their first introductory video. As a warm up, the stage crew began what has become a legend within the training industry.
This
man should have won an academy award for his stellar performance. He is
improvising all the way.
Now remember and keep in mind, this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written
down. Nothing he says is true. He had NO script! This was a rehearsal
for camera, lighting and stage crew.
It's all total meaningless drivel made up as he goes along.
I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming Congressmen, car salesmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.
Only a Farm Kid... (from Edyth Parker)
When you're from the country, your perception is a little different ....
A
Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you
want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk
to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,
pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I
know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but
I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist (from Mike Spear)
Best
friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in
spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share
office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a
sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was
also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down
again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" –
unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
It's all about the look on the good dog's face ... (from Jeffrey Parker)
|
For
all the keen gardeners out there ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
I have
never seen a Willy Pepper before ...
These are actual peppers from a garden. They
really are called "Willy Peppers."
By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!
Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
Gentleman Golfer (from Jeffrey Parker)
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he
goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It
says 'PRIVATE PROPERTY -
STAY OUT!'
The golfer
says, "I am sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have
it?"
The man
says, "It in my yard and so it is my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball and walks back and throws it in the yard.
The man says "What is that for ?"
The golfer replies "I'm a gentleman. Every prick should have two balls."

Amazing home remedies (from Mike Gorman)
1. Avoid cutting yourself when
slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you
chop.
2. AVOID arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the
sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be
afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
He's
My Brother (Jeffrey
Parker)
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and
proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
This
man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...
(oh! the things my mother sends me!)

Until he went to prison.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results; so she decides to conduct a little test.
She stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper and, before leaving, says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope!
I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now
she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on
her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again
she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I
promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
|
(from Jeffrey Parker) A
cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal. |
|
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY (from Mike Spier) A
lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again… The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The
judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself. 'CASE DISMISSED!!' said the judge. |
You will never guess what this ad is about ... (from Jeffrey Parker)
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language boiled down to 4-letter words:A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston ChurchillLady to Winston Churchill, If I were your wife, I would give you poison. To which Churchill responded, madam, if I were your husband, I would take it!"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar WildeGeorge Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response."I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
A
woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside
and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that... that is
way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional
booth and closes the door.
The boy says 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.'
As
a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room.
She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, downing
a cold beer, and watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on
the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
Pet Peeves from the dog's
perspective:
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk
is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't
quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
8. Dog sweaters ... Hello ... have you noticed the fur?
9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff up when you're not home.
10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind
schedule that puts me?
11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back.
12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment
for the top of the food chain.
Author, unknown
|
| As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that
it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important
is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney "This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation." - - Anonymous "I think, therefore I'm single." - - Female philosopher "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." - - W. Somerset Maugham "The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper." - - Smith & Jones "Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority." - - Doctor Who "I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe" - - Anonymous Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. IBM means I Blame Microsoft. God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. Bus Error - Please Take The Train. For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some beta site users have reported an occasional problem with IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional mutterance printed on the display. "I am Pentium of Borg. Precision is Futile, Prepare to be Approximated." "What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator." Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules. Managers firm-up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. "Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe." -- Albert Einstein "My software never has bugs. It just develops random features." "There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." -- Jeremy S. Anderson "Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer." -- Fred Brooks. "... and on the 7th day, God turned off his Macintosh." Programming /n./ A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...." "The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." -- Mitch Ratcliffe. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. Customer: "I'm running Windows '95.'" Tech Support: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech Support: "Yes, you said that." Error messages can be quite strong indeed. We have one of the most arrogant compilers in the business, a source of great pride for us. Typical error messages include: WELL, IF THAT AIN'T ABOUT THE DUMBEST DANG THANG I EVER SEEN! WHADJA DO THAT FER? ERROR TWENNY SEM, DUMB AICE! DAMMIT, BOY, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU?! Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. "ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]" " The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. " -- Nathaniel Borenstein Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. -- Ferenc Mantfeld "A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting." -- Dr. Who You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI interface with a button labeled 'I'm a clue - click here to acquire me.' -- Seth Finkelstein The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL? It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? "The Meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation." -- Lew Mammel, Jr. Hit any user to continue ... "Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies." Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" Two wrongs are only the beginning. Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. "As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing." Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) "One of the problems the internet has introduced is that in the electronic village all the village-idiots have internet access." --"Peter Nelson" "We build (software) systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes -- build the whole thing, push it off the cliff, let it crash, and start all over again." -- R. M. Graham, 1968 Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives. I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium? (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct? (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?" Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. -- Douglas Adams Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -- Marilyn Pittman "On the other hand, you have different fingers." I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. How do I set my laser printer on stun? "Get the facts first. You can distort them later." I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. Real programmer's programs don't work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions. RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. "So long and thanks for all the fish" - - The Dolphins "Work is the curse of the drinking classes." Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first ever combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. And the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go off! Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with a bang! "Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited while imagination embraces the entire world." -Albert Einstein We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. "On the side of the software box, in the 'System Requirements' section, it said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed Linux." Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences by showing young people that it's just not worth it. So, so please ... give generously ... to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London SW3. Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall. You see, to be quite frank Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botched job you see. We only had seven days to make it. -- 'Time Bandits' The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed - - Chamfort. "The world is coming to an end. Please log off." -- Posix 2.1.1 System Shutdown Message Computers, all they ever think about is hex! Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed. why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them... For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain... Due to the current economic situation the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily switched off. Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming. -- Simon Slavin All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. "Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code." "Profanity is the one language all programmers know best." "Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector." "Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]" "Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples: Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ? Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. Guess which has just occured ?" A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. "Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen." -- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches" By the time (the Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But the investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. There are no plans to replace it, since it was never needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet software which is analogous to the above. -- Ken Iverson I don't object to Microsoft's monopoly, I object to Microsoft's mediocrity -- Larry Ellison "Obviously I was either onto something, or on something." -- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl |
Employee
of the Month
We have a Winner!
This
is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
There is a reason laptop spelled
backwards is potpal.
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The
jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing
this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I
know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no
money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
See........Not All Seniors Are Senile

A letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
|
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT! |
||
|
Air Show Disaster:
Amazing
photos show great detail.
The
pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses
a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One
can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Probably scared the shit out of them.
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful
young girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you
are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl
says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After
the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably
have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!
Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket....
Suddenly the father shouted....
'I'll do the fucking dishes!
A
man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple
parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past
the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the
parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service
for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't
drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door,
and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for
someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B....
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"
-------A
man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly
at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked
in."
Beefeater tour of the Tower of London
|
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?', she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. That's when she beat the crapout of me.... |
A
tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl
about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss
an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me
a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
| Subject: Understanding
Engineers (from Chris Kloss) Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice:The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full.To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, " Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers #6 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #7 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. "Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!" |





|
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
A
new blonde joke!!!
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper
replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give
it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators
all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the
gator onto its back.
Then,
rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...
'SHIT'!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
A
LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND
BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED
HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE
NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF
A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE
QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE
TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP
YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN
SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE
PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING
TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE..."
Dear God,
My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year!
Amen
APARTMENT for RENT
(my mother sent this to me!)
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for
$250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady....

My
wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was
awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM
"Hi Jack!" (South African humor, from Simche Sherer)

A
foursome of guys is waiting at
the mens tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The
ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit
her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then
she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She
looks up at the patiently waiting
men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those " F---ING LESSONS" I took
over the winter didn't help.'"

One
of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it. You should have
taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
He was 43...

Old guys are helpful ...
An old
guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with
long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look
like?"
The old
guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most old men are helpful like that.