Computer & Other Funnies



An elevator without buttons


My wife asked me to put the pie in the oven at 120 degrees.  
It took some doing but typically she showed no appreciation.


And, another from the Mike Spier collection:


 


From the mouths of babes ...


I recall my first time with a condom.  I was 16.  I went in to buy a packet of condoms.  In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
 
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.  She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'  So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.  She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
 
 
Apparently I still looked confused.  So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.  It was.  'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it.  Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.  She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.  'Do these excite you?' she asked.  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.  She then said it was time to slip the condom on.  As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.  'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'  So I climbed onto her.  It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.  She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.  I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the shit out of me....  Women have always been hard for me to figure out.


The Weather Report in North Dakota (from Michael Lichtenstein) 

Native American Indian weather broadcast straight off of a reservation TV station in North Dakota: Finally, a weather report that doesn't take 10 minutes to explain with multiple graphics and words that you have no clue as to what they mean. This is direct and to the point!

        Watch & listen�/SPAhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hGIF9FljM


Cute and Funny


Texting

An older Florida couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a
no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided
to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a
sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise"

Attack of the devil baby





The Pharmacist's Morning...

 

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me this morning.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side, this morning the alarm failed to go

off, I was late getting up, went without breakfast, hurried out to the

car, realize I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside,

had to break a window to get my keys."

 

"Driving a little too fast, received a speeding ticket, when three blocks from the

store, had a flat tire."

 

"When finally arriving at the store, numerous people were waiting for me,

opened the store, started waiting on customers, all that time, phone was constantly

ringing."

 

"Had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, they

spilled all over the floor, got down on my hands and knees to pick up

the nickels, the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back

against a showcase with perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke."

 

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing, I finally got back to answer it,

it was your wife, she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."




Seniors' bar:


 


Questions that plague me ....


Computers ...

... are like women
Computers are Like Women... No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

... are like men
Computers are Like Men... In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.


Subject: Irish priest in TEXAS.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas----

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west 
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of 
the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of 
his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. 
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple 
o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, 
thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always 
my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next 
of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

It's true, it's true!
You really can't fix stupid....

You have to really be a particular kind of stupid to go fishing with a
hand grenade and drop it right next to the boat. This really doesn't get old.
I could watch it for hours.


Doggie Hall of Shame (Mike Spier)





Self-explanatory (from Russ Eggen)


A group of women attended a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.  The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?" 

All the women raised their hands.  Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" 

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.  The women were then told to take their cell-phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were asked to share the responses from their husbands.  Replies:

 *       Who is this?
 *       What now? Did you crash the car again?
 *       I don't understand what you mean.
 *       What did you do now?
 *       Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
 *       Am I dreaming?
 *       I thought we agreed not to drink during the day.
 *       Your mother is coming to stay?



One of those days ....


The Operation

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. 

 A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."


It took decades but the prediction made by Abbot and Costello finally came true!



Can you remember your first really difficult decision?


Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. 


Magic Sex Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'


Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


Senior cheer ...


The Newspaper is not dead ....


Patience

A State  Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At  nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane,  with the interior light  brightly glowing. He carefully
approaches the car to get a  closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer  magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing  her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation,  the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's  window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes,  Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you  doing?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading  a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat  the trooper says: ' And, her, what is she doing'?

The  young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing  her fingernails.

Now, the trooper is totally  confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a  lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The  trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'? The young man  says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: ' And her,  .... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his  watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

ONE FOR ALL THE OLD CODGERS!
 
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
 
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
 
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
 
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.
 
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Thoughts ...

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
     ~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
     ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
     ~ David Letterman

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
     ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
     ~ Betsy Salkind

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
     ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
     ~ Prince Philip

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
     ~ Harrison Ford

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
     ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
     ~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
     ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
     ~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
     ~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
     ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
     ~ Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
     ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
     ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
     ~ Robert Benchley

Redneck Skydiving

Just when you think you've seen it all....

You've gotta watch this one; Keep watching, 'cause when it happens, it happens Quick!  


I Forgot my Glasses..........

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.


 A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday


The Lucky Escape (Why you always let the girl talk first)


After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."
"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.



Bear interrupts film shoot in BC (Leroy Schultz)


From Michael Lichetnstein's collection:

Abbott and Costelo, "Who's on First?"
and Jimmy Falon's redux



Why I still get the paper (Lorin Kane)


Man called Brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He
Got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just
Like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
Time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
That to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
Won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
An opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
Heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
Which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
Change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
Could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
And make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
In the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
Polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
Could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to
His F____ing widow!"


Scottish Marriage Proposal (R rated)


Saying goodbye to mother (from Ron Childs)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car
.


Australian Bike Ad


Testimony (from Jeffrey Parker)

Here are six reasons why you should think 
before you speak -the last one is great! 
Have you ever spoken and wished that 
you could immediately take the words back... 
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: 
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three 
kids in tow and asked loudly, 
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' 

I turned around and walked back out and never went back 
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: 
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. 
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. 
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by 
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. 
He asked if he could help me. 
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 

'I think I like playing with men's balls' 

THIRD TESTIMONY: 
My sister and I were at the mall and 
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. 

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind 
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' 
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' 
My sister started to laugh hysterically. 
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
 

FOURTH TESTIMONY: 
While in line at the bank one afternoon, 
my toddler decided to release 
some pent-up energy and ran amok. 
I was finally able to grab hold of 
her after receiving looks of disgust 
and annoyance from other patrons. 
I told her that if she did not start behaving 
'right now' she would be punished. 
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said 

in a voice just as threatening, 
'If you don't let me go right now, 
I will tell Grandma that I saw you 
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening 

exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. 
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked 
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. 
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were

screams of laughter. 

FIFTH TESTIMONY: 
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? 
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training 

and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell 
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, 
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, 
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked 

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. 
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty 

in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, 
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking 
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and 

I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 
'No,' he replied. 
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, 

because the smell was getting worse. 
Soooooo, I asked one more time,

                                            'Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, 
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
 
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, 
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. 


An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the 
best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days 
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, 
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens 
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a 
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed 
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman 
and asked: 
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you 
promised me last night?' 


Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew 
did too they were laughing so hard! 


A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an
expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, lovely lady, do I come here often?"


Mad Cows

There are so many TV channels and every one of them looking for  new programs.
In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out  to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an  interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find  an answer.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter:
I  am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.  Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and  said.
Do  you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:
Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact  (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow  disease?

Farmer:
Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a  day?

Reporter:
Yes Sir, but what's the point?

Farmer:
I  am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your  tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go  mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER  AIRED...


Lexicon Addition:

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to those of us who are senior citizens !

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a shit.


The Note

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to my Mother's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............

the fridge works fine.  

WOMEN, who can understand them?


A Trip to Wal-Mart (from Mike Spier)

A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find my cap from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity, "1936."

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the ‘don't threaten me’ look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap...


Marriage (Jeffrey Parker)

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance floor making all the moves…breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband replies, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!”


Priests and Soap (Michael Genender)

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. 
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when He sees three nuns heading his way. 
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. 
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. 
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. 
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". 
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. 
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. 
Now the third nun decides to have a go. 
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. 
So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!


Aunty Acid

Perfect execution, if you've raised a son, you'll get this: The table cloth trick



I need a drink now (from ... my wife!)


The Pub Last Saturday (Lorin Kane)

I was in a pub on Saturday night... had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...


True Love (Lorin Kane)



An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.  When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.  I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good.  Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.  I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ...... Two ... Three" .....


Remember - You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!!!


 No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk theyd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, We've got to give it back.
 
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
 
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile 
 
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. 
 
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
 
Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....
 
The first police officer turned to his partner and said,

Were outta here!


School in Australia: Actual school answering machine message.


A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies..

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


The glorious 50

A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed and laughing with delight.
 
Her husband watches for a few minutes and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you ?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care what you think.  I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that, not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 yr. old."

The husband asks, "What did he say about the 50 year old ass ?"

She replies: "Your name never came up !"


Things that make you go "Huh?"



Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  A quick search
in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the door, I
came to a terrifying conclusion.
 
His theory was right.  The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.
 
There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice.
"Really?", he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."
Yep it's the golden years.

Shooting stars - explained (from Jeffrey Parker)


Dilbert-isms from the real world (and Mike Spiers)

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )


'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.'
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.'

(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.'
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)


Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)



'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.'
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


Famous Last Words (Lorin Kane)

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
 - - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project
 

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
 

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
 -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
 

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
 -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
 
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
 --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
 

"But what is it good for?"
 -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
 

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
 -- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
 -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
 

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
 -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
 

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
 -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
 
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
 --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
 

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
 -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
 

"We don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out,"
 -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
 

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
 -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
 

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
 The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
 - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
 

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
 -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
 

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
 -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.
 

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .
 

"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
 -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
 
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required."
 -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
 

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
 -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
 

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
 -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872
 

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,"
 -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
 

And last but not least...


"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Donation  
 
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'
 
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
 
'I can!' 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
 
'I do!'
 
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
 
'He is!'
 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
 
'He will'
 
Brothel Trip  
 
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
 
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
 
Senility  
 
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
 
Stress Reliever 
 
Girl:      'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  
 
Boy:      'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
 
Girl:      'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
 

Salesman of the year

Press the Red Button


No matter what your job, you can always try and make it interesting .... 


S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes ... when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes ... when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes ... when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes ... when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

But FART! just ONE friggin' time....
And everybody notices!!
 
And You thought this was going to be one of those
heart-touching stories!

Guide Dog of the year ...


NO Speak English 

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries
.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
 
(Please scroll down.)
 

 

 

 

 

 


 


 


 


 


 





What were you thinking?
 


Her husband speaks English...hellooo!

Now get back to work !
 

I worry about you Sometimes!
 


Why it's important to put spaces in the right places between words…



Nothing more dangerous than an electrician with a Sharpie.


   "A friend of mine has a trophy wife.....but apparently it wasn't first place" - stephen wright


A couple from the Kane collection:

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

 

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

-----

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR 

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. 

After a while, one looks at the other and says, ''I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'' 

The other woman responds proudly, ''Yes, I sure am!'' 

The first one says, ''So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?''

The other woman answers, ''I'm from Dublin , I am.'' 

The first one responds, ''So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'' 

The other woman says, ''A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'' 

The first one says, ''Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'' 

The other woman answers, ''Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'' 

The first one gets really excited and says, ''And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?''

The other woman answers, ''Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'' 

The first woman exclaims, ''The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self !'' 

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ''It's going to be a long night tonight.'' Michael asks, ''Why do you say that, Brian?'' Brian answers, ''The Murphy twins are drunk again.'' 


Only the Irish (from Mike Spiers)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

-----------------------------------------------

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

-----------------------------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

-----------------------------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that fuckin gun...'

-----------------------------------------------

AND LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"


When it's not your turn to die ...


An iPad for your Parents . . . 
   
 
 

This video is in German: The daughter asks her father if he's getting used to his new iPad that they bought for him. His response is, "Oh, just fine thanks." The title of the video is, "Never buy an iPad as a gift to your parents." 

            
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=v0FVm_H_D18

Adult One-Liners

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

* Chess players mate better.

* Excuses are like asses: everyone has 'em and they all stink.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.

* Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

* The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind.... But by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns don't kill people... Husbands, who come home early, kill people.

* Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.


Absolutely priceless piece of history. Or, a wonderful piece of contemporary political spin? (from Mike Spiers)


An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ''Is your date running late?''

''No'', he replies, '‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’'  

The intrigued woman says, ''A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?''

The Aussie explains, ''It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.''

The lady says, ''What's it telling you now?''

''Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.''

The woman giggles and replies, ''Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ''Bloody thing's an hour fast!''


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to 
make the step. 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with 
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
 


GUIDO THE ITALIAN LOVER (an object lesson in not teaching your mother to use the internet)
 
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer
€100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition,
200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. ''I have to tell you the truth,'' she said, ''his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.''


Tombstones


Sign at one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in the world:


Trouble (and some good advice - from Edyth Parker)



from the Michael Genender collection:

Kleptomania (Mike Spiers)



From the Spiers collection:

The car went overboard and fell into the sea.

Observe how, with the aid of modern technology and equipment, rescue workers rose to the challenge.


Childs dinner Prayer (Jeffrey Parker)

Be nice. Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"


A surgeon went to check his patient after an operation. 

She was awake, so he examined her. 

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause.... which alarmed the girl. 

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after merely having their tonsils out"


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM (Jeffreuy Parker)

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? 
* his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 
* at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? 
* liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? 
* marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure? 
* exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? 
* Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple? 
* The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? 
* It will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? 
* No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? 
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? 
* Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 
* No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


"Wax Job" (Buddy Hackett -- and definitely PC17+)


Google can locate you anywhere you are ... (Stamos Fafalios)


CONDOM  HISTORY (Russ Eggen)

Interesting Piece of history.

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


Woman (Lorin Kane)

A real woman is a man's best friend. 

She will never stand him up and never let him down. 

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. 

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. 

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. 

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... No wait.... 

Sorry. 

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. 

Never mind. 


The FERRARI (Loren Kane)

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour," states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "! That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.

WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."


Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ," worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

    1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

    2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

    3.) It is always the right temperature.

    4.) It is inexpensive.

    5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

    6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

    7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

He got an A.


Life in six steps (from Leroy Shultz's dad)


-Teacher; what kind of wife do you like Johnny?
- Johnny; I want a wife like the moon..:
- Teacher; wow what a choice!, do you want her to be beautiful and calm like moon?
- Johnny; no, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.


Teacher asks the kids what they want to be when they grow up; and the kids propose things like painter, astronaut, president, banker, carpenter… etc.

Finally, Little Johnny: When I grow up I want to be hairy, very hairy, all over.

Teach: Little Johnny, we’re talking about how you plan to earn a living when grown.

LJ: Sure, teach. That’s what I’m talking about, too. I want to be very hairy.

Teach: How so? Explain!

LJ: My elder sister Marilyn who just turned 12 has started growing hair on her body, and you wouldn’t believe how much money she’s been earning with it.


Another from the Mike Spiers collection:


Have you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers and grandfathers? (from Michael Genender)

Well, here it is:

 
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter.
 
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
 
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather, who was still in bed.
 
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
 
"Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
 
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Bob - A heart-warming story of the exertions of love; make sure you watch it all, until after the credits .... (from Mike Spiers)


Taco Bell has the same effect on me (best chainsaw imitation--you may want to be alone when opening this)


This is a hot new product.....good stuff! Just in Time for the holidays!

The Jog Strap


Great card trick


When you've got a dog and the poor thing is not feeling well then leave him alone. Don't always think you can make him feel better by scratching his ears, patting him or rubbing his tummy.

Check out the attached video and tell me you don't feel sorry for the puppy.

When your dog is ill, leave him alone 


Customers ... (From Drew Bourrut)


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.


The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

"Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken"


A Primer: Understanding Derivatives (from Mike Spiers)

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word
gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi
gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!


At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. The bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons.  But, being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The
suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

Now do you understand?  



What is a calorie?
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter...
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS


Halloween Warning


If you haven't had your laugh for the day... I am sure this will do the job!

Click on the perfume bottle below:

 


Scottish Ballad

The best way to get a woman to exercise? (Definitely not PC)


Irish Logic (from Mike Spier)

A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."



A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that
he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.
'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ...
How soon can I go home?'



QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"and then God created the orgasm,

so that women can moan even when they are happy."


Please excuse the four letter words in the following story

I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!   I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said,

"Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...

I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.


Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER...!

What animals think



Larry Is In The Hospital ...

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife,
says "Where the hell have you been?"
 

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?", she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in Memorial Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233


British Humour (a Limey Rodney Dangerfield?)

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by 
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and  we're stoning her in the morning.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
 -----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It 
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a 
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
 -----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class 
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd 
better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex 
with me because she can't afford batteries.
 -----------------------------------------------------------


An Erection Lasting More than Four Hours (from my mother!)

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4  hours?

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male  pharmacist.  

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and  her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.  

She  then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it  was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. 

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get  erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The  pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she returned,  she said, "We  discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in  living  expenses.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.



(from Mike Spear)
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions :
Hungry and Horny.  If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. 

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."


3 Kings?

Teacher : Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?


          Little Johnny : Smoking , Drinking & fucking... 


THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (from Edyth Parker) 

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,  who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and  drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that  he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if  you could just put your trays up, that would be super...."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and  rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us  on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no  one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing  a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I  outrank you.  Tray-up,  Bitch."

Only Buddy Hackett could get away with this one (rated R)



THEY FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR  SEUSS 
D
r. Seuss
For Older Kids (from Lorin Kane)

The very first "senior moment" on record.

And that, my friend, is what happened to the dinosaurs!


Dicken's Cider (PG-17)


Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker (from Mike Spier).

cid:4A132A3E542E4284876DE0F2F5F4FC11@ArtiePC

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

cid:F9FBDFC901114E43A61F9ABBF4133AD0@ArtiePC

He asked the trainer that was near-by: "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said: "I would try the ATM in the lobby."


You think English is easy?(from Edyth Parker)

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
'UP.'

It's easy to understand
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call
UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry
UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
UP,

for now my time is UP,

so........it is time to shut UP!

Now it's UP to you what you do with this email.


TWENTY DOLLARS    (from my mother!)
 
 On their wedding night, the young bride
 Approached her new husband and asked
   
 For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
 Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
 Her husband readily agreed.

 This scenario was repeated each time they made
 Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
 Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
 She needed.

 Arriving home around noon one day, she was
 Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
 During the next few minutes, he explained that
 His employer was going through a process of corporate
 Downsizing, and he had been let go.
  
 It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
 Another position that paid anywhere near what
 He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
 
 Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
 Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
 Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
 By the Bank which were worth over $2 million,
 And informed him that they
 Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
 
 She explained that for more than
 Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
 These holdings had multiplied and these were the
 Results of her savings and investments.

 
 Faced with evidence of cash and investments
 Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
 Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
 I would have given you all my business!'


 That's when she shot him.

 You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
 To keep their mouths shut

 
 

 Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to,

and touched often.

 But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
 

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors (from Edyth Parker)

How fast can you guess these words:

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM






Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. you don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.
                  
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be  on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and  said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't..'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'



Irish Logic (from Mike Spier)

There are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.

In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of "Mad Cow disease", arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview went as follows:


The lady reporter:"I am here to collect information on the possible sources of "Mad Cow Disease". Can you offer any reason for the spread of this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and replied:
...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

Reporter
(obviously embarrassed and perplexed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between what you are saying and "Mad Cow disease"?"

Farmer:
"And also madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "

Reporter:
"Sir, thanks for the valuable information, but what about getting to the point ? "

Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, madam! Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you get bloody mad ? "

This program was never broadcast.


A man was driving around the back woods of  Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style  house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.

The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked. 

"Yep," the Lab replied. 

After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?" 

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." 

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a  mess of puppies; and now I'm just retired." 

The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog. 

"Ten dollars," the owner replied.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" 

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."


Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.

"Yeah," said Rob, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"

No way in hell said the bartender.

Well, said Rob, neither would my fiance.


Calling home for mommy (from Mike Spier)

-- “Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

-- “No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, daddy says

-- “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.”

-- “Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”

Brief Pause.

-- “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.”

-- “Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.” 

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

-- “I did it, Daddy.”

-- “And what happened, honey?”

-- “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!'**

-- “Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?”

-- “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”

 

                           *****Long Pause***** 

 

                           *****Longer Pause*****

  

                           *****Even Longer Pause*****

 

Then Daddy says

-- “Swimming pool?  .............  Is this 486-5731?”

-- “No, I think you have the wrong number...... ...”



"Your Hard Work is Something I Wish to Emulate" (watch the cartoon! - received from Ben Parker)


Here is old age at its best ... (from Jeffrey Parker)

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know Where Russ lived, so he was unable to find Out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and --

Lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, What in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

... 

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'


THE  SHOEBOX (from Edyth Parker)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60  years.  They had shared everything. They had talked about  everything.

They had  kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a  shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never  to open or ask her about.

   
 

For all of these  years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old  woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.  In  trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.  She agreed that it was time  that he should know what was in the box.

When he  opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling  $95,000.  He  asked her about the contents.

'When we were to  be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy  marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with  you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was  so moved; he had to fight back tears.  Only  two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two  times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with  happiness..
'Honey,'  he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?  Where  did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said,  'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer...

          Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
           Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
                 Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
     I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to CROCHET!!
 

A stock man is piling fresh avocados when a woman asks him where the broccoli is; he apologizes explaining that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back to work.

Several moments later the same woman says “ I can’t find the broccoli”; he calmly explains again that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back to work.

Five minutes later the same woman says “ Why can’t I find the broccoli”; the man turns to the woman and says “can you spell cat, like in catalog?”  The woman replies “cat”.

The upset man asks ““can you spell dog, like in dogmatic?”  The woman replies “dog”.

The man heatedly asks ““can you spell f__k, like in broccoli?”  The woman screams back at him “there is no f__k in broccoli”.  He screams back at her “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”



"The Middle Wife" by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot
of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along
.


This is an inspirational piece and a lovely tribute to the joys of aging …
Walk with me by the water, worth the read...
A beautiful message about growing older:
[]
 
 
Shit, I forgot the words.... 

Signs of the times....

DIRECT AND RIGHT TO THE POINT...
 
 From a Teacher -- short and to the point
 
 
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement...

 

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Web Side Sory


The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her. 

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!' 

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean there's more.' 

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' 

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.... 

(You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.' 


The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...

Biggest turn on for guys! 


Men all over the country are urging their wives
and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.
 
 
The going rate now exceeds $10,000.

  

Many men feel it is worth it.
  


Planting the garden (from Michael Genender)

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.  

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, 
Papa

A few days later he received a reply. 

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. 
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie


The Best Margarita Ad


The Great Ad Libber (from Mike Spier)

Many, Many, Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty automatic transmission business.

They were getting ready to tape their first introductory video. As a warm up, the stage crew began what has become a legend within the training industry.

This man should have won an academy award for his stellar performance. He is improvising all the way.
  
Now remember and keep in mind, this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written down. Nothing he says is true. He had NO script!  This was a rehearsal for camera, lighting and stage crew.

It's all total meaningless drivel made up as he goes along. 

I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming Congressmen, car salesmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.


Only a Farm Kid... (from Edyth Parker)

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different ....

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. 

"Is your Dad home?" 
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town." 
"Well, is your Mother here?" 
"No sir, she went to town with Dad." 
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." 
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. 
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." 
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."' 
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,
but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist (from Mike Spear)

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" – unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.


It's all about the look on the good dog's face ... (from Jeffrey Parker)


Description: cid:X.MA1.1284927742@aol.com
 
 Hell, yeah, I'm gonna sniff it!!


 For all the keen gardeners out  there ... (from Jeffrey Parker)
       
 
have  never seen a Willy Pepper before ...

These are actual peppers  from a garden. 
 They  really are called  "Willy  Peppers."

 
Description: 909C7EC7750C4D33A3DFE2C5E2E27AEC@Elizabeth  

  By the way, the farmer says  they can grow up to 18" long! 

Sort  of brings tears to your  eyes doesn't it?


Gentleman Golfer (from Jeffrey Parker)

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says 'PRIVATE PROPERTY - STAY OUT!'

The
 golfer says, "I am sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it?"

The
 man says, "It in my yard and so it is my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball and walks back and throws it in the yard.

The man says "What is that for ?"

The golfer replies "I'm a gentleman. Every prick should have two balls."



Amazing home remedies (from Mike Gorman)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. AVOID arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


He's My Brother (Jeffrey Parker)
 
 

 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 
"Eight," the boy replied.
 
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
 
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."


This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...
(oh! the things my mother sends me!)
 

 


 
 

Until he went to prison.



A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results; so she decides to conduct a little test.

She stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper and, before leaving, says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'


(from Jeffrey Parker)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

 
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

  
  +Tourist:                                                       $5.00

   
 +Broiled  Missionary:                                   $10.00

   +Fried  Explorer:                                          $15.00

   +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:      $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659  --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY (from Mike Spier)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. 
She immediately moved to another seat

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again… The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!' said the judge.


You will never guess what this ad is about ... (from Jeffrey Parker)


BEWARE  OF THAT UNDERWEAR  DUST! (from my mother!)


One evening a Husband, thinking he was being  funny, said  to his wife, 'Perhaps we  should start washing your clothes in 'Slim  Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'

His  wife was not  amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The  next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What  the Hell is this?' he said  to himself as a ittle 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.  
 
'April',  he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my  underwear?'  
 
She replied with a snicker.  'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!    
 

When Insults Had Class
 
 
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language  boiled down to 4-letter words:
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

 
"He  had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
Lady to Winston Churchill, If I were your wife, I would give you poison. To which Churchill responded, madam, if I were your husband, I would take it!
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -  Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
 
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - 
"Cannot  possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.
 
 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -  John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go..."  - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. 

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' 
The man says, 'Yes, it is.' 
Boy: 'I have a baseball..' 
Man: 'That's nice' 
Boy: 'Want to buy it?' 
Man: 'No, thanks.' 
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' 
Man: 'OK, how much?' 
Boy: '$250' 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. 
Boy: 'Dark in here.' 
Man: 'Yes, it is.' 
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' 
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' 
Boy: '$750' 
Man: 'Sold.' 

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' 

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' 

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' 

Boy: '$1,000' 

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'


As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.


Pet Peeves from the dog's perspective:

1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

8. Dog sweaters ... Hello ... have you noticed the fur?

9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Author, unknown


The Arrogance of Authority 
 
  Description:
cid:1.2058714744@web55206.mail.re4.yahoo.com

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! 

No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear ... do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...


Description:
cid:2.2058714745@web55206.mail.re4.yahoo.com

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....                

"Your badge, show him your BADGE... !"


As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
     -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation."
     - - Anonymous

"I think, therefore I'm single."
     - - Female philosopher

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
     - - W. Somerset Maugham

"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
    - - Smith & Jones

"Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority." 
     - - Doctor Who

"I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe" 
     - - Anonymous

Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

IBM means I Blame Microsoft.

God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

Bus Error - Please Take The Train.

For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some beta site users have reported an occasional problem with IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional mutterance printed on the display.

"I am Pentium of Borg. Precision is Futile, Prepare to be Approximated."

"What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator."

Real programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make schedules. Managers firm-up schedules.
Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.

"Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe." 
     -- Albert Einstein 

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
     -- Jeremy S. Anderson

"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer."
     -- Fred Brooks.

"... and on the 7th day, God turned off his Macintosh." 

Programming /n./ A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...."

"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."  
     -- Mitch Ratcliffe.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

Customer: "I'm running Windows '95.'"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

Error messages can be quite strong indeed. We have one of the most arrogant compilers in the business, a source of great pride for us. Typical error messages include: 

  WELL, IF THAT AIN'T ABOUT THE DUMBEST DANG THANG 
    I EVER SEEN! 
  WHADJA DO THAT FER? 
  ERROR TWENNY SEM, DUMB AICE! 
  DAMMIT, BOY, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU?! 

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
     -- Rich Cook

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. 

"ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]"

" The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. "
     -- Nathaniel Borenstein

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. 
     -- Ferenc Mantfeld

"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting." 
     -- Dr. Who

You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI interface with a button labeled 'I'm a clue - click here to acquire me.'
     -- Seth Finkelstein

The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL? 

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

"The Meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation."
     -- Lew Mammel, Jr.

Hit any user to continue ...

"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies."  

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. 

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 

"One of the problems the internet has introduced is that in the electronic village all the village-idiots have internet access." 
     --"Peter Nelson"

"We build (software) systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes -- build the whole thing, push it off the cliff, let it crash, and start all over again."
     -- R. M. Graham, 1968

Real programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only
to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, 
senior planners, and other mental defectives.

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. 

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

"Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
     -- Douglas Adams

Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
     -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
     -- Marilyn Pittman

"On the other hand, you have different fingers."

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

"Get the facts first. You can distort them later."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
     -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. 

Real programmer's programs don't work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in only
a few 30-hour debugging sessions.

RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user 

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

"So long and thanks for all the fish" 
     - - The Dolphins

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." 

Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first ever
combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. And the makers
of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go
off! Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with
a bang!

"Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited
while imagination embraces the entire world." -Albert Einstein

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

"On the side of the software box, in the 'System Requirements' section, it said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed Linux."

Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences by showing young people that it's just not worth it. So, so please ... give generously ... to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London SW3.

Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall. 

You see, to be quite frank Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botched job you see. We only had seven days to make it. 
     -- 'Time Bandits'

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed 
     - - Chamfort.

"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
     -- Posix 2.1.1 System Shutdown Message

Computers, all they ever think about is hex!

Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.

why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them...

For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...

Due to the current economic situation the light at the end of the
tunnel has been temporarily switched off.

Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi.
Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi
to do their programming. 
    -- Simon Slavin

All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
     -- Philip K. Dick

Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."

"Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector."

"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]"

"Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples:

   Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ?

   Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. 
   Guess which has just occured ?"

   A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

  "Walking on water and developing software from a
   specification are easy if both are frozen."
     -- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"

By the time (the Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But the investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. There are no plans to replace it, since it was never needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet
software which is analogous to the above. 
     -- Ken Iverson

I don't object to Microsoft's monopoly,
I object to Microsoft's mediocrity
     -- Larry Ellison 

"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something."
  -- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl

Employee of the Month
We have a Winner! 

[]

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
There is a reason 
laptop spelled backwards is potpal.


A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in  Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY
 GREAT WEEKEND!' 

See........Not All Seniors Are Senile



A letter to the Men's Helpline:

             Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes  out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?


BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

 TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.
 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.
 I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. 
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 
7. 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8. 
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. 
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.  
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes 
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 
13. 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
 
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
1 7.
 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
18
. Procrastinate Now! 

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 
23.
 They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24
. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.(how true) 
27. 
The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on


Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! 
 Life is too short and friends are too few!


Air Show Disaster:   


Amazing photos show great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

 

Probably scared the shit out of them.


You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl.  Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you
are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl
says you are. This is getting very stressful.

So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After
the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably
have been since birth.  You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!


Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much  luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes

off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket....

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!


A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.

A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey?  Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini.  And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.  In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"


HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B....

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused.  ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

      (NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO  WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)


The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,  "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes!  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 

 "You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"


-------A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
 
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
 
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.  Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
 
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
 
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."


Jesus is back 


Beefeater tour of the Tower of London


  I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.  She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?', she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her.  It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. That's when she beat the crapout of me....


A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl 
about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit  suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss 
an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished the biker says, "Wow!  That was the best kiss I have 
ever had!  That's a real talent you are wasting!  You could be famous!  
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."


Subject: Understanding Engineers (from Chris Kloss)

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice:The clothes probably wouldn't have fit
you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, " Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. "Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and
put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking
frog - now that's cool!"


"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

Wo Ai Ni

Swedish

Jag Alskar  Dig

Lithuanian

As Tave Meliu

Alabama , Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta

Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
 

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...




 'SHIT'! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!


A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND  
BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...  

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...  

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED  
HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE  
NEAR...  

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF  
A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...  

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE  
QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE  
TIFFANY'S...  

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP  
YOU TODAY???  

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN  
SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE  
PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'  

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING  
TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE..."  


Dear God,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year!

Amen


APARTMENT for RENT (my mother sent this to me!)
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!! 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend 
the night with her for $500. They did their thing, 
and, before he left, he told her that he did 
not have any cash with him, but he would have his 
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling 
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had 
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been 
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for 
$250 and enclose the following typed note: 


Dear Madam: 
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your 
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, 
because when I rented the place, I was under the 
impression that: 
#1 - it had never been occupied; 
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and 
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. 
However, I found out that: 
#1 - it had been previously occupied, 
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and 
#3 - it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately 
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:


Dear Sir: 
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a 
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. 
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you 
know how to turn it on. 
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of 
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture 
to fill it, please do not blame the management. 
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced 
to contact your present landlady.... 



My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" 

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."
 
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM


"Hi Jack!" (South African humor, from Simche Sherer)


       

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. 
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.  Then
she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet
.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those " F---ING  LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help.'"

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have
taken "golf lessons" instead!"

 

        He never even had a chance to duck.

        He was 43...

       


Old guys are helpful ...

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with
long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.


Verne was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" 

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."

Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan."


Q. What's a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A. Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.


REALLY BAD TYPO THAT SPELLCHECK CANNOT FIX! 

A husband sent this to his wife:

"I'm having a wonderful time, wish you were her."


It's a Jersey Christmas ....


Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?  I think not."
H. L.. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" 
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group  - Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Barroom Braggarts

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavishs'. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

 

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.


A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex.
 
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
 
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
 
"You already know how to play Hockey!" 

History of the World According to Student Bloopers


Many say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED...

But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you
 are... COMPLETELY FINISHED 


The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten  Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees, the Democrats, and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats, the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


All She Wants To Do Is Screw


What is Celibacy? (from Jeffrey Parker)

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
 
He then addressed the men.

Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?
 
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...


Lunch with the girls (from Jeffrey Parker)

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my ass hole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"


THE POTTY (from Loren Kane)

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.  BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT,  BILLY,  WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."


(from Mike Gorman)
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your  memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next  morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is  he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ
 ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was  August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney  Can I get a new attorney?
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you  performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a  fight.
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
 _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 _____________________________________

And the best

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


Voodoo Penis

A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The salesman there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except.....the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"?

The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The salesman then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't! had any thing to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my c-c-c-crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right. Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history....



HOW TO START A FIGHT (received from Edyth Parker) 
                                               
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery                  
plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her              
a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still                
haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"                          
And that's how the fight started ....                
               
________________________________                                        
                                                                         
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire                
while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want            
to have Sex?'  'No,' she answered.  I then  said, 'Is  that  your        
final answer?'                  
                                       
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'            
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."                            
And that's when the fight started....                                    
________________________________                                        
                                                     
                 
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took        
my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."                
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"                        
"Nah, she can order for herself."                                        
And that's when the fight started ....                                  
________________________________                                        

                                                                         
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,        
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he          
sat alone at a nearby table.                                            
I asked her, "Do you know him?"                                          
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took      
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear    
he hasn't been sober since."                                            
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"                                                                  
And then the fight started...                                          
________________________________                                      
 
                                                                         
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me  
that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, pouring a drink. It was always  
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to  
make her point.  When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I  
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute,and when I came out again I handed her a

toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well

sweep the driveway."      

  
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.        
 _______________________________                                        
                                                                         
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,  
"What's on TV?"  I said, "Dust."    

                                    
And then the fight started...                                            
                                                                         
________________________________                                        
                               
                                       
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and    
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked  the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing  
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then  
I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The      
weather out there is terrible."                                          
                                                                       
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid      
husband is out fishing in that?"      

                                  
And that's how the fight started...                                      
________________________________                                        
                   
                                                   
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.  
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3    
seconds."                                                                
I bought her a bathroom scale.                                           
                                                    
And then the fight started......                                        
_______________________________                                          
                                                                         


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not    
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and  
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's  

nearly perfect."                                                                
                                                             
And then the fight started........


I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. 

I told them to kiss my ass!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!


An elderly man is stopped by the police around

1 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at

this time of night.

The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol

abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,

“My wife.”


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband  leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a

heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.  She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

            You'll love this...

 

 

            Yep. I know you will...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

               Yep!...............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."


Animal planet (received from Stan Parker): I'm not jumping in!

What goes around comes around


(from Jeffrey Parker)

Inner Peace 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
 

If you can resist complaining and
 boring people with your troubles, 

If you can eat the same food every
 day and be grateful for it, 

If you can understand when your loved
 ones are too busy to give you any time, 

If you can take criticism and
 blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,
  

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


 


 

....Then You Are  Probably The Family Dog!

 

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual


My new doctor ...

I went to my doctor's office the other  day,only to find out my old doctor had  retired,& his replacement was a  new,young,female,drop-dead gorgeous blue-eyed blonde  !!!!...

I guess she could tell, I was a little  nervous,& perhaps appeared slightly  embarrassed,so she said:"Don't worry, I'm a professional....I've seen it all  before....

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll verify your concerns and see  if I can help you in any way I can."

So I said:  "I think my penis tastes  funny..."


The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher 

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.  
  
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always  have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over  shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in  pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff  like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations  on them.. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,  they're welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.  

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
 
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
  
The kids are watching her in amazement.  
 
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and  going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)  
  
"My Dad called the middle wife... She delivers babies,  but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.  

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies  down with her back against the wall.)  
  
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in  there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
  
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. 

"When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. 

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife comes along.  


Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10)
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

 

  
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
 
 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus.
 4) You look like Santa Claus.




When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...


Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: 

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked... 

'No, I don't,' she replied. 
 
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
  then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
 
She didn't crack a smile. 

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. 
 
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 

'What's so funny?' he asked. 

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' 

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
 



from Mike Spier:


In print: You cannot make this stuff up ...


Family Feud: This lady’s knee-jerk answer to a harmless question in the lightning round is quite possibly the greatest moment in "Family Feud" history.


courtesy of Lorin Kane, The Husband Store 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
 


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 
  

(Scroll and
 keep reading!)
 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex. 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. 

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Doormats ... with attitude


More from the collection of Jeffrey Parker:

LESSON FOR TODAY


[]


Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a
situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember:

Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!!



[]


         That is the end of today’s lesson!

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
         
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
         
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."
         
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old
lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
         
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all, I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the
whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER:

 

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway; 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do
; 
And the eyesight to tell the difference. 


"FATHER OF THE YEAR" (from Jeffrey Parker)

A man boarded a plane with six kids. 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? " 

He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company; These are customer complaints."


Can We get Married in Heaven?
 
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?


When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
 
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
 
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
 
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
 
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. (from Kathy Parker)
 
 Here are the winners: 
 
 1.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2.  Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
 
 3.  Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
 
 4.  Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
 5.  Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

6.  Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 
 
 7.  Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 
 
 8.  Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
 
 9.  Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
 10.  Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
 11.  Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 
 
 12.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
 
 13.  Glibido : All talk and no action. 
 
 14.  Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 
 
 15.  Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
 16.  Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
 17.  Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
 The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which 
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
 And the winners are:

 
 1.  Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 
 
 2.  Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 
 
 3.  Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
 4.  Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
 5.  Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 
 
 6.  Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
 7.  Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
 8.  Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
 9.  Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
 10.  Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
 11.  Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 
 
 12.  Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 
 
 13.  Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 
 

 14.  Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 
 
 15.  Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
 16.  Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


And, from Loren Kane:

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?


Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to 
 P ass.

Check your answers below.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)


Only total thicko's will fail !!

 

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)


From the collection of Jeffrey Parker:
All  eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her  down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting  groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in  his hand. 

The guests in the front pews responded with  ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
broadly. As  her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

John  was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one  last request, dear,"he said.
"Of course, John," his  wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said,  "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated  Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I  do!"



Graveside Service (from Jeffrey Parker)
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's

cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and  friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played '
Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. 

They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
 
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Why can't men just ask for directions?

Paraprosdokian sentences (from Jeffrey Parker)

A paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech  in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.This is for all you comedians out there.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
it is you hit the target.

Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


A SENIOR'S TRIP TO COSTCO
                                                           
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the Checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
   
What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have 
little to do, so on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd  lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. 
 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard. 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. 

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.



A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.   As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'            

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. 

Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.  How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . . . . 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... That was me.'


Subject: Top Ten Country & Western Songs
 
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is.
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day


I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night, by one point -- The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?" 
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa.


You ain't gonna believe these ...

"Hoist with his own petard"


A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. 

The first fellow said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.  The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."  


WOULD YOU REMARRY?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?  Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND:  "shit..."


 

 FEMALE  COMPASSION

 (The  depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was  sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.


Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


(received from ... my mother!)

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'  


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'  



We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,  
'' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'  


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'  


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,  
In capital letters,  
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'  


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,  
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,  
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'   

I don't remember much about what happened next 

 




My condition has been upgraded from critical  
To stable ,  I should eventually make a full recovery.


And, for you Catholics out there ... (received from Jeffrey Parker)

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

 They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,  "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."


High School Reunion (from Jeffrey Parker)

 

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

 

Rachel arrives first,wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

 

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

 

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .

 

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

 

Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

 

 

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando .

 

Samantha confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. 

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. 

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? 

What would YOU do? 

What Lancelot chose is below.


 

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


 

OKAY? 








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. 

Now....what is the moral to this story?
 



Scroll down 

 





The moral is.....
 
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
 
Things are going to get ugly!


These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. 
  
Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 
A.  Paul Lynde:  Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 
A.  George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 
A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 
A.  Rose Marie: No wait until morning. 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 
A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 
A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty... 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 
A.  George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 
A.  Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.  

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 
A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? 
A.  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q. Can boys join the  Camp   Fire  Girls? 
A.  Marty Allen : Only after lights out. 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 
A.  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 
A.  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
A.  Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 
A.  Charley Weaver: His feet. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. 

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX

1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory ... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
 

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
 

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard  feelings..."
 

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
 

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
 

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
 

8. Virginity can be cured.
 

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
 

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
 

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
 

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
 

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
 
    Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
 

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
 
    Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
 
    Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. 

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
 


Apple does it again!


 

Apple announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!


Medicine Man (received from Edyth Parker)

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it
must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working? "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he
responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we too could end up with a dangling participle.


DAD AT THE MALL (received from Jeffrey Parker)

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. His clothes were equally colorful: bright blue pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt....and I think there was eye makeup involved, too. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What?s the matter, old man?  Never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."


The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! (received from Jeffrey Parker)

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous
 number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.


Irony ...


A true senior experience - we'll get there and will not even know we did - that's the great part about it.

An 83 year old woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer. 

The officer asked the woman, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"

The woman looked very perplexed, but stammered out, "Well - yes I was - but I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going." 

A few minutes later the woman was on her way, in the possession of a warning ticket, and the young officer was standing there shaking his head, with a smile on his face.


Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The