'Danny
did you have an accident ?
This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel
better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST
TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state
of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but
don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the
day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing
so hard!
A
rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an
expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave,
well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking
lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of
her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me,
lovely lady, do I come here often?"
Mad
Cows
There
are so many TV channels and every one of them looking for new programs.
In an
Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to
try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview
with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an
answer.
The
interview went as follows:
Lady
reporter:
I
am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The
farmer stared at the reporter and said.
Do
you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter:
Well,
sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously
embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?
Farmer:
Well,
madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?
Reporter:
Yes
Sir, but what's the point?
Farmer:
I
am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your
tits twice a day...and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go
mad?
THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...
Lexicon
Addition:
Exhaustipated
Here
is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It
will be especially useful to those of us who are
senior citizens !
Exhaustipated:
Just
too tired to give a shit.
The
wife left a note on the fridge:
"It's
not working, I can't take it
anymore! Gone to my
Mother's."
I opened the fridge, the light
came on and the beer was cold.
I
have no idea what in the hell
she was talking
about............
WOMEN,
who can understand them?
A Trip to Wal-Mart (from
Mike Spier)
A
few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one
of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend
was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I
went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's
largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the
Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty
normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But,
enough of my psychological fixes.
While standing in line to
check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,
"Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find my cap from the War of 1812." I thought it
was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was
that?"
God forgive me but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity, "1936."
He pondered my response for
a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in
1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was
beginning to be way too fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something
that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low
voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude!", he was
really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously
awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I
said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still
Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the ‘don't threaten me’ look. "Like,
what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't
want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
By this time the lady behind
me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at
her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car
window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing
excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you"
gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking
lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow
I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring
just needs the right kind of cap...
Marriage
(Jeffrey
Parker)
A
husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend.There was a guy on the dance
floor making all the moves…breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The
wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."
The
husband replies, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!”
Priests and Soap
(Michael Genender)
Two
priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no
soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to
dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the
hall when He sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops
a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!
Aunty
Acid
Perfect execution, if you've
raised a son, you'll get this: The
table cloth trick
I need a drink now (from ...
my wife!)
The
Pub Last Saturday (Lorin Kane)
I
was in a pub on Saturday night... had a few.... I noticed two large
women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two
ladies from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two
whales from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...
True Love (Lorin
Kane)
An
old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he
discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The
female doctor says, "I'm going to check your
prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
different from what you are probably used to.
I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,
then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and
say, '99'.
The
old guy obeys and says,"99".
The
doctor says, "Great". Now
turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat
the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again,
the old guy says, '99'."
The
doctor said, Very good.
Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised
slightly.
I'm going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the
other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it
out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The
old guy begins, "One
...... Two ... Three" .....
Remember
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow
old because you stop laughing!!!
No
one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating
their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts
and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding
hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they
entered, and found the old desk theyd shared, where Andy had carved I love
you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure
what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty
thousand dollars!
Andy said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid
it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for
the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday ....
The first police officer turned to his partner and said,
School
in Australia: Actual school answering machine message.
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies..
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break
and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him
for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me,
Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I
was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to
go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I
was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A
woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed and
laughing with delight.
Her husband watches for a few minutes and asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you ?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that, not
only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 yr. old."
The
husband asks, "What did he say about the 50 year old ass ?"
She
replies: "Your name never came up !"
Things
that make you go "Huh?"
Several
days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal
TSA pat down.
I
was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick
search
in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly
I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door,
I
came to a terrifying conclusion.
His
theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then
I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I
always
call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.
There
was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice.
"Really?", he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now
it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this
policeman I have not
stolen your car."
Yep
it's the golden years.
Shooting
stars - explained (from Jeffrey Parker)
Dilbert-isms from the real
world (and Mike Spiers)
A
magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people
to submit quotes from their
real-life Dilbert-type managers.
These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :
|
'As
of tomorrow, employees will only be able to
access the building using individual security
cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday,
and employees will receive their cards in two
weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales,
Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )
'What
I need is an exact list of specific unknown
problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes
Lines Shipping)
'E-mail
is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company
business.' (Accounting
manager, Electric Boat Company)
'This
project is so important we can't let things
that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/
Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
'Doing
it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule.'
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
'No
one will believe you solved this problem in
one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
you know when it's time to tell them.'
(R&D
supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)
Quote
from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people
doing what I say.' (Marketing
executive, Citrix Corporation)
My
sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he
said she died on purpose so that I would have
to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to
Friday. He said,'That
would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
'We
know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the
employees.' (Switching
supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
|
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Famous Last Words (Lorin Kane)
"The
bomb
will
never
go
off.
I
speak
as
an
expert
in
explosives."
-
-
Admiral
William
Leahy
,
US
Atomic
Bomb
Project
"There
is
no
likelihood
man
can
ever
tap
the
power
of
the
atom."
--
Robert
Millikan,
Nobel
Prize
in
Physics,
1923
"Computers
in
the
future
may
weigh
no
more
than
1.5
tons."
--
Popular
Mechanics,
forecasting
the
relentless
march
of
science,
1949
"I
think
there
is
a
world
market
for
maybe
five
computers."
--
Thomas
Watson,
chairman
of
IBM,
1943
"I
have
traveled
the
length
and
breadth
of
this
country
and
talked
with
the
best
people,
and
I
can
assure
you
that
data
processing
is
a
fad
that
won't
last
out
the
year."
--The
editor
in
charge
of
business
books
for
Prentice
Hall,
1957
"But
what
is
it
good
for?"
--
Engineer
at
the
Advanced
Computing
Systems
Division
of
IBM,
1968,
commenting
on
the
microchip.
"640K
ought
to
be
enough
for
anybody."
--
Bill
Gates,
1981
This
'telephone'
has
too
many
shortcomings
to
be
seriously
considered
as
a
means
of
communication.
The
device
is
inherently
of
no
value
to
us,"
--
Western
Union
internal
memo,
1876.
"The
wireless
music
box
has
no
imaginable
commercial
value.
Who
would
pay
for
a
message
sent
to
nobody
in
particular?"
--
David
Sarnoff's
associates
in
response
to
his
urgings
for
investment
in
the
radio
in
the
1920s.
"The
concept
is
interesting
and
well-formed,
but
in
order
to
earn
better
than
a
'C,'
the
idea
must
be
feasible,"
--
A
Yale
University
management
professor
in
response
to
Fred
Smith's
paper
proposing
reliable
overnight
delivery
service.
(Smith
went
on
to
found
Federal
Express
Corp.)
"I'm
just
glad
it'll
be
Clark
Gable
who's
falling
on
his
face
and
not
Gary
Cooper,"
--Gary
Cooper
on
his
decision
not to
take
the
leading
role
in
"Gone
With
The
Wind."
"A
cookie
store
is
a
bad
idea.
Besides,
the
market
research
reports
say
America
likes
crispy
cookies,
not
soft
and
chewy
cookies
like
you
make,"
--
Response
to
Debbi
Fields'
idea
of
starting
Mrs.
Fields'
Cookies.
"We
don't
like
their
sound
and
guitar
music
is
on
the
way
out,"
--
Decca
Recording
Co.
rejecting
the
Beatles,
1962.
"Heavier-than-air
flying
machines
are
impossible,"
--
Lord
Kelvin,
president,
Royal
Society,
1895.
"If
I
had
thought
about
it,
I
wouldn't
have
done
the
experiment.
The
literature
was
full
of
examples
that
said
you
can't
do
this,"
-
-
Spencer
Silver
on
the
work
that
led
to
the
unique
adhesives
for
3-M
"Post-It"
Notepads.
"Drill
for
oil?
You
mean
drill
into
the
ground
to
try
and
find
oil?
You're
crazy,"
--
Drillers
who
Edwin
L.
Drake
tried
to
enlist
to
his
project
to
drill
for
oil
in
1859.
"Stocks
have
reached
what
looks
like
a
permanently
high
plateau."
--
Irving
Fisher,
Professor
of
Economics,
Yale
University
,
1929.
"Airplanes
are
interesting
toys
but
of
no
military
value,"
--
Marechal
Ferdinand
Foch,
Professor
of
Strategy,
Ecole
Superieure
de
Guerre
,
France
.
"Everything
that
can
be
invented
has
been
invented,"
--
Charles
H.
Duell,
Commissioner,
US
Office
of
Patents,
1899.
"The
super
computer
is
technologically
impossible.
It
would
take
all
of
the
water
that
flows
over
Niagara
Falls
to
cool
the
heat
generated
by
the
number
of
vacuum
tubes
required."
--
Professor
of
Electrical
Engineering,
New
York
University
"I
don't
know
what
use
any
one
could
find
for
a
machine
that
would
make
copies
of
documents.
It
certainly
couldn't
be
a
feasible
business
by
itself."
--
the
head
of
IBM,
refusing
to
back
the
idea,
forcing
the
inventor
to
found
Xerox.
"Louis
Pasteur's
theory
of
germs
is
ridiculous
fiction."
--
Pierre
Pachet,
Professor
of
Physiology
at
Toulouse
,
1872
"The
abdomen,
the
chest,
and
the
brain
will
forever
be
shut
from
the
intrusion
of
the
wise
and
humane
surgeon,"
--
Sir
John
Eric
Ericksen,
British
surgeon,
appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary
to
Queen
Victoria
1873.
And
last
but
not
least...
"There
is
no
reason
anyone
would
want
a
computer
in
their
home."
--
Ken
Olson,
president,
chairman
and
founder
of
Digital
Equipment
Corp.,
1977
|
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the
phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue
Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your
congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the
church?'
'He will'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a
brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman.
'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old
man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his
doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I
have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,'
replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Stress Reliever
Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy:
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'
Girl:
'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Salesman
of the year
Press
the Red Button
No
matter what your job, you can always try and make it interesting ....
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes ... when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes ... when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes ... when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes ... when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART! just ONE friggin' time....
And everybody notices!!
And
You thought this was going to be one of those
heart-touching
stories!
Guide
Dog of the year ...
NO
Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily
ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real
problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know
how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her
blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again
and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find
a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English...hellooo!
Now get back to work !
I worry about you Sometimes!
Why
it's important to put spaces in the right places between words…
Nothing more dangerous than an
electrician with a Sharpie.
"A
friend of mine has a trophy wife.....but apparently it wasn't first place"
- stephen wright
A couple from the Kane collection:
After
being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe
her.
He
looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E,
F, G, H, I, J, K."
She
asks ... "What does that mean?"
He
said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
and Hot.
She
smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J,
K?"
He
said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The
swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about
saving his testicles.
-----
TWO
IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR
Two
women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After
a while, one looks at the other and says, ''I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland .''
The
other woman responds proudly, ''Yes, I sure am!''
The
first one says, ''So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?''
The
other woman answers, ''I'm from Dublin , I am.''
The
first one responds, ''So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?''
The
other woman says, ''A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on
Warbury Street in the old central part of town.''
The
first one says, ''Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what
school did ya go to?''
The
other woman answers, ''Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.''
The
first one gets really excited and says, ''And so did I! Tell me, what year did
you graduate?''
The
other woman answers, ''Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.''
The
first woman exclaims, ''The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly
believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it?
I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self !''
About
this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the
bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ''It's going to
be a long night tonight.'' Michael asks, ''Why do you say that, Brian?'' Brian
answers, ''The Murphy twins are drunk again.''
Only the Irish (from
Mike Spiers)
Into
a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a
train.
His
arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
walking with a limp.
"What
happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie
O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That
little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That
he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"
Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That
I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."
-----------------------------------------------
An
Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A
cop pulls him over.
"So,"
says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why,
I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well,"
says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I
did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did
you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"
"Oh,
thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
-----------------------------------------------
Brenda
O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda,
may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of
course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's
what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the
Guinness brewery..."
"Oh,
God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I
must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally,
she looked up at Tim.
"How
did it happen, Tim?"
"It
was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh
my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well,
Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
-----------------------------------------------
Mary
Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in
tears.
He
says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She
says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The
priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She
says, "That he did, Father."
The
priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She
says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that fuckin gun...'
-----------------------------------------------
AND
LAST
A
drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down,
but says nothing.
The
Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit
there.
Finally,
the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The
drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either!"
When
it's not your turn to die ...
An iPad for your
Parents . . .
Adult
One-Liners
* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.
* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
*
Chess players mate better.
*
Excuses are like asses: everyone has 'em and they all stink.
*
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
* Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
*
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
*
The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and
night.
*
Prostitution is a hole sale business.
*
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without
restricting the view.
*
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
*
Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
*
Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.
*
I'm not attracted by a girl's mind.... But by what she doesn't mind.
*
Guns don't kill people... Husbands, who come home early, kill people.
*
Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it
ain't so hot.
Absolutely
priceless piece of history. Or, a wonderful piece of contemporary political
spin?
(from
Mike Spiers)
An
Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ''Is your date running late?''
''No'', he replies, '‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
testing it.’'
The intrigued woman says, ''A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?''
The Aussie explains, ''It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.''
The lady says, ''What's it telling you now?''
''Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.''
The woman giggles and replies, ''Well, it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!''
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ''Bloody thing's an hour fast!''
In a crowded
city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well,
ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."
GUIDO THE ITALIAN LOVER
(an object lesson in not teaching
your mother to use the internet)
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and,
after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and
softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido
reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together
screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked
again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm
Norwegian."
These
are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE
YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker
Spaniel, 1/2
sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a
Kennel Club registered German
Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer €100.
WEDDING DRESS
FOR SALE .
Worn once by
mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, €200
or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
An elderly lady was
invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her
husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very
much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her
hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. ''I have to tell you the truth,'' she said, ''his
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the
cranky old asshole what his name is.''
Tombstones
Sign at one of the oldest and most prestigious universities in
the world:
Trouble (and
some good advice - from Edyth Parker)
| from the Michael Genender
collection: |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Kleptomania
(Mike Spiers)
From the Spiers collection:
The
car went overboard and fell into the sea.
Observe
how, with the aid of modern technology and equipment, rescue
workers rose to the challenge.
Childs
dinner Prayer (Jeffrey Parker)
Be
nice. Sometimes
we forget the really important things in life.
Last
week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson
asked if he could say grace.
As
we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along
with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
how to pray. Asking
God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing
this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?"
As
I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He
winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer."
"Really?"
my grandson asked.
"Cross
my heart," the man replied.
Then,
in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally,
I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson
stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He
picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for
you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"
A surgeon went to check his patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause.... which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after merely having their tonsils out"
STUDENT WHO
OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM (Jeffreuy Parker)
I would
have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle
did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would
it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
|
"Wax
Job" (Buddy Hackett -- and definitely PC17+)
Google
can locate you anywhere you are ... (Stamos
Fafalios)
CONDOM HISTORY
(Russ Eggen)
Interesting Piece of history.
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat
first.
Woman
(Lorin Kane)
A real woman is a man's best
friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without
fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate
desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the
room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait....
Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind.
The FERRARI (Loren Kane)
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, it is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour," states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "! That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.
WHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ," worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.
He got an A.
Life in six steps (from
Leroy Shultz's dad)
-Teacher;
what kind of wife do you like Johnny?
- Johnny;
I want a wife like the moon..:
-
Teacher; wow what a choice!, do you want her
to be beautiful and calm like moon?
- Johnny;
no, I want her to come at night and disappear
in the morning.
|
Teacher
asks the kids what they want to be when they grow up; and the kids propose
things like painter, astronaut, president, banker, carpenter… etc.
Finally,
Little Johnny: When I grow up I want to be hairy, very hairy, all over.
Teach:
Little Johnny, we’re talking about how you plan to earn a living when grown.
LJ:
Sure, teach. That’s what I’m talking about, too. I want to be very hairy.
Teach:
How so? Explain!
LJ:
My elder sister Marilyn who just turned 12 has started growing hair on her body,
and you wouldn’t believe how much money she’s been earning with it.
Another from the Mike Spiers
collection:
Have
you ever wondered what the difference is between grandmothers
and grandfathers?
(from
Michael Genender)
Well,
here it is:
There
was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to
spend time with his daughter's family on weekends. Every Saturday
morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive
in the car for some quality time--just him and his granddaughter.
One
particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward
to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to
the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the
drive.
When
they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather, who was still in bed.
"Well,
did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
"Oh,
yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole,
piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper,
or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost
brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Bob - A
heart-warming story of the exertions of love; make sure you watch
it all, until after the credits .... (from
Mike Spiers)
Taco
Bell has the same effect on me (best chainsaw imitation--you may want to be
alone when opening this)
This
is a hot new product.....good stuff! Just
in Time for the holidays!
The
Jog Strap
Great
card trick
When
you've got a dog and the poor thing is not feeling well then leave him alone.
Don't always think you can make him feel better by scratching his ears, patting
him or rubbing his tummy.
Check
out the attached video and tell me you don't feel sorry for the puppy.
When
your dog is ill, leave him alone
Customers
... (From Drew Bourrut)
Two
women were playing
golf. One teed off
and watched in
horror as her ball
headed directly
toward a foursome
of men playing the
next hole.
The ball hit
one of the
men. He
immediately
clasped his
hands
together at
his groin,
fell to the
ground and
proceeded to
roll around
in agony.
The woman
rushed down
to the man,
and
immediately
began to
apologize.
'Please
allow me to
help. I'm a
Physical
Therapist
and I know I
could
relieve your
pain if
you'd allow
me, she told
him.
'Oh, no, I'll be
all right. I'll be
fine in a few
minutes,' the man
replied. He was in
obvious agony,
lying in the fetal
position, still
clasping his hands
there at his
groin. At her
persistence,
however, he
finally allowed
her to help. She
gently took his
hands away and
laid them to the
side, loosened his
pants and put her
hands inside. She
administered
tender and artful
massage for
several long
moments and asked,
'How does that
feel'?
"Feels
great", he
replied; "but
I still think my
thumb's
broken"
|
|
A
Primer: Understanding Derivatives
(from
Mike Spiers)
Heidi
is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.
She realizes that virtually
all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no
longer afford to patronize her bar. To
solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows
her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps
track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the
customers loans).
Word gets
around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing
strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into
Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in
Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands,
Heidi gets
no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases
her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that
these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases
Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern
because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!
At the bank's
corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge
commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These
"securities" then are bundled and traded on international
securities markets.
Naive
investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to
them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed
alcoholics. The
bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the
hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage
houses.
One
day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at
the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand
payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so
informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons.
But, being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their
drinking debts.
Since Heidi
cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The
bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight,
DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and
prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic
activity in the community.
The suppliers
of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had
invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They
find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with
losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her
wine
supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family
business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is
taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and
lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately
though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives
are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached
cash infusion from the government. The
funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on
employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's
bar.
Now
do you understand?
|
What
is a calorie?
Calories
are the little bastards that get into your
wardrobe at
night
and sew your clothes tighter...
MY
CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS
|
|
|
|
Halloween
Warning
If
you haven't had your laugh for the day... I am sure this will do the job!
Click
on the perfume bottle below:
Scottish
Ballad
The
best way to get a woman to exercise? (Definitely not PC)
Irish Logic
(from Mike Spier)
A
tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."
A
strong young man at a construction site was bragging that
he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength
He
made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After
several minutes, the older worker had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.
'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're
on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'
Just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they
have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ...
How soon can I go home?'
QUOTE
OF THE YEAR:
"and
then God created the orgasm,
so
that women can moan
even when they are
happy."
Please
excuse the four letter words in the following story
I
would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them....
A
young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When
they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh,
mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..."
Suddenly
she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started
using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home...,
"PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to
stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so
awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please
don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"*
"Darling,
baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these
horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh,
Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...
I'll
pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Holy
Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered
by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we
do for
you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was
interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please
place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door
at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and
slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot
facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER...!
|
|
What
animals think
Larry
Is In The Hospital ...
Who
in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his
wife,
says "Where the hell have you been?"
Larry
replies, "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?", she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did
you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?", she said, shaking her
head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while
I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,
lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry
is in Memorial Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
British
Humour (a Limey Rodney Dangerfield?)
I
was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms
with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,
and we're stoning her in the
morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers, so I did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals
were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at
the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man
of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl
in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools
this year! You'd
better stop before you're banned from teaching
altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not
understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is
having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
An Erection Lasting More than Four Hours
(from my mother!)
What happens when you ask for help
with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that
he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The
lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me
a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.' When she
returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup
truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.
The
Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half
an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come
to ...'
'Oh,
no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have
you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are
my specialty?'
'Well
that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After
a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave
everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can
really spread out there.'
'Bathtub,
living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well,
Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results.'
'My,
that's a lot!', gasped Mrs.. Smith.
'Ma'am,
in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five
minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't
I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The
photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh,
my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And
these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was
so difficult to work with..'
'She
was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes,
I'm afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four
and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
'Yes',
the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness
approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on
my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs.
Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's
true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get
to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh
yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be
held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.
Smith fainted.
(from Mike Spear)
Number 10
Life
is sexually transmitted.
Number
9
Good
health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number
8
Men
have two emotions : Hungry
and
Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make
him a sandwich .
Number
7
Give
a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number
6
Some
people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number
5
Health
nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number
4
All
of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It
pays no attention to criticism.
Number
3
Why
does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you
$30.00?
Number
2
In
the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And
The Number 1 Thought
Life
is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass
tomorrow.
-
- - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
3
Kings?
Teacher
:
Can
you
tell
me
the
name
of
3
great
kings
who
have
brought
happiness
&
peace
into
people's
lives?
Little
Johnny
:
Smoking
,
Drinking
&
fucking...
|
|
|
|
THE GAY
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (from
Edyth Parker)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super...."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank
you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Only
Buddy Hackett could get away with this one (rated
R)
THEY
FINALLY PUBLISHED "MY" VERSIONS OF THE GREAT DOCTOR SEUSS
Dr.
Seuss
For
Older
Kids
(from Lorin Kane) |
 |
 |
 |
The
very first "senior moment" on record.
And
that, my friend, is what happened to the dinosaurs!
Dicken's
Cider (PG-17)
Advice
to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker (from
Mike Spier).
An
old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young
thing...
He
asked the trainer that was near-by: "What machine in here
should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The
trainer looked him up and down and said: "I would try the
ATM in the lobby."
|
You
think English is easy?(from
Edyth Parker)
1)
The
bandage
was
wound
around
the
wound.
2)
The
farm
was
used
to
produce
produce.
3)
The
dump
was
so
full
that
it
had
to
refuse
more
refuse.
4)
We
must
polish
the
Polish
furniture.
5)
He
could
lead
if
he
would
get
the
lead
out.
6)
The
soldier
decided
to
desert
his
dessert
in
the
desert.
7)
Since
there
is
no
time
like
the
present,
he
thought
it
was
time
to
present
the
present.
8)
A
bass
was
painted
on
the
head
of
the
bass
drum.
9)
When
shot
at,
the
dove
dove
into
the
bushes.
10)
I
did
not
object
to
the
object.
11)
The
insurance
was
invalid
for
the
invalid.
12)
There
was
a
row
among
the
oarsmen
about
how
to
row.
13)
They
were
too
close
to
the
door
to
close
it.
14)
The
buck
does
funny
things
when
the
does
are
present.
15)
A
seamstress
and
a
sewer
fell
down
into
a
sewer
line.
16)
To
help
with
planting,
the
farmer
taught
his
sow
to
sow.
17)
The
wind
was
too
strong
to
wind
the
sail.
18)
Upon
seeing
the
tear
in
the
painting
I
shed
a
tear..
19)
I
had
to
subject
the
subject
to
a
series
of
tests.
20)
How
can
I
intimate
this
to
my
most
intimate
friend?
|
Let's
face
it
-
English
is
a
crazy
language.
There
is
no
egg
in
eggplant,
nor
ham
in
hamburger;
neither
apple
nor
pine
in
pineapple.
English
muffins
weren't
invented
in
England
or
French
fries
in
France
.
Sweetmeats
are
candies
while
sweetbreads,
which
aren't
sweet,
are
meat.
We
take
English
for
granted.
But
if
we
explore
its
paradoxes,
we
find
that
quicksand
can
work
slowly,
boxing
rings
are
square
and
a
guinea
pig
is
neither
from
Guinea
nor
is
it
a
pig.
If
teachers
taught,
why
didn't
preachers
praught?
If
a
vegetarian
eats
vegetables,
what
does
a
humanitarian
eat?
Sometimes
I
think
all
the
English
speakers
should
be
committed
to
an
asylum
for
the
verbally
insane.
In
what
language
do
people
recite
at
a
play
and
play
at
a
recital?
Ship
by
truck
and
send
cargo
by
ship?
Have
noses
that
run
and
feet
that
smell?
How
can
a
slim
chance
and
a
fat
chance
be
the
same,
while
a
wise
man
and
a
wise
guy
are
opposites?
You
have
to
marvel
at
the
unique
lunacy
of
a
language
in
which
your
house
can
burn
up
as
it
burns
down,
in
which
you
fill
in
a
form
by
filling
it
out
and
in
which,
an
alarm
goes
off
by
going
on.
English
was
invented
by
people,
not
computers,
and
it
reflects
the
creativity
of
the
human
race,
which,
of
course,
is
not
a
race
at
all.
That
is
why,
when
the
stars
are
out,
they
are
visible,
but
when
the
lights
are
out,
they
are
invisible.
PS.
-
Why
doesn't
'Buick'
rhyme
with
'quick'
?
You
lovers
of
the
English
language
might
enjoy
this
..
There
is
a
two-letter
word
that
perhaps
has
more
meanings
than
any
other
two-letter
word,
and
that
is
'UP.'
It's
easy
to
understand
UP,
meaning
toward
the
sky
or
at
the
top
of
the
list,
but
when
we
awaken
in
the
morning,
why
do
we
wake
UP
?
At
a
meeting,
why
does
a
topic
come
UP?
Why
do
we
speak
UP
and
why
are
the
officers
UP
for
election
and
why
is
it
UP
to
the
secretary
to
write
UP
a
report?
We
call
UP
our
friends.
And
we
use
it
to
brighten
UP
a
room,
polish
UP
the
silver;
we
warm
UP
the
leftovers
and
clean
UP
the
kitchen.
We
lock
UP
the
house
and
some
guys
fix
UP
the
old
car.
At
other
times
the
little
word
has
real
special
meaning.
People
stir
UP
trouble,
line
UP
for
tickets,
work
UP
an
appetite,
and
think
UP
excuses.
To
be
dressed
is
one
thing,
but
to
be
dressed
UP
is
special.
A
drain
must
be
opened
UP
because
it
is
stopped
UP.
We
open
UP
a
store
in
the
morning
but
we
close
it
UP
at
night.
We
seem
to
be
pretty
mixed
UP
about
UP!
To
be
knowledgeable
about
the
proper
uses
of
UP,
look
the
word
UP
in
the
dictionary.
In
a
desk-sized
dictionary,
it
takes
UP
almost
1/4th
of
the
page
and
can
add
UP
to
about
thirty
definitions.
If
you
are
UP
to
it,
you
might
try
building
UP
a
list
of
the
many
ways
UP
is
used.
It
will
take
UP
a
lot
of
your
time,
but
if
you
don't
give
UP,
you
may
wind
UP
with
a
hundred
or
more.
When
it
threatens
to
rain,
we
say
it
is
clouding
UP.
When
the
sun
comes
out
we
say
it
is
clearingUP.
When
it
rains,
it
wets
the
earth
and
often
messes
things
UP.
When
it
doesn't
rain
for
awhile,
things
dry
UP.
One
could
go
on
and
on,
but
I'll
wrap
it
UP,
so........it
is
time
to
shut
UP!
Now
it's
UP
to
you
what
you
do
with
this
email.
|
TWENTY
DOLLARS (from
my mother!)
On
their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women
are like phones: They like to be held, talked to,
and touched often.
But push the wrong button
and your ass is disconnected!
Alzheimer's
Test for Modern Seniors (from Edyth Parker)
How
fast
can
you
guess
these
words:
1.
F_
_K
2.
PU_S_
3.
S_X
4.
P_N_S
5.
BOO_S
6.
_
_NDOM
Answers:
1.
FORK
2.
PULSE
3.
SIX
4.
PANTS
5.
BOOKS
6.
RANDOM
You
got
all
6
wrong....didn't
you?
Don't
worry.
you
don't
have
Alzheimer's.
You
are
just
a
pervert
A man,
while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as
to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole
he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must
be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the
same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't..'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
Irish
Logic
(from
Mike Spier)
There
are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.
In a rural programme for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause
of "Mad Cow disease", arranged for an interview with a farmer who
may have some theories on the matter....
The interview went as follows:
The
lady reporter:"I
am here to collect information on the possible sources of "Mad Cow
Disease". Can you offer any reason for the spread of this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and replied: ...............
"Do
you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Reporter (obviously
embarrassed and perplexed): "Well,
sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between what
you are saying and "Mad Cow disease"?"
Farmer: "And
also madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day ? "
Reporter: "Sir,
thanks for the valuable information, but what about getting to the point ?
"
Farmer: "I
am getting to the point, madam! Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits
twice a day.... and only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you get bloody mad
? "
This program was never broadcast.
A man
was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For
Sale." He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the
dog is in the backyard.
The man
walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You
talk?" he asked.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
said "So, what's your story?"
The
Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. but
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger,
so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies; and now I'm just retired."
The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he
wanted for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the
bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken
engagement.
"Yeah," said Rob,
"would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful,
and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"
No way in hell said the bartender.
Well, said Rob, neither would my fiance.
Calling home for
mommy (from Mike Spier)
-- “Hi honey, this is
Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
-- “No, Daddy. She's
upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause,
daddy says
-- “But honey, you
haven't got an Uncle Paul.”
-- “Oh yes I do, and
he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”
Brief Pause.
-- “Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into
the driveway.”
-- “Okay, Daddy, Just
a minute.”
A few minutes later,
the little girl comes back to the phone.
-- “I did it,
Daddy.”
-- “And what
happened, honey?”
-- “Well, Mommy got
all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then
she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving
at all!'**
-- “Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?”
-- “He jumped out of
the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out
the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
dead.”
*****Long
Pause*****
*****Longer
Pause*****
*****Even
Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says
-- “Swimming pool?
............. Is this 486-5731?”
-- “No, I think you
have the wrong number...... ...”
"Your
Hard Work is Something I Wish to Emulate" (watch the cartoon!
- received from Ben Parker)
Here is old age at its best ...
(from Jeffrey Parker)
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know Where Russ lived, so he was unable to find Out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and --
Lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, What in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
...
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
THE SHOEBOX
(from Edyth Parker)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed
that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever
got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness..
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
|
A Prayer...
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I
don't have time to CROCHET!!
|
|
A
stock man is piling fresh avocados when a woman asks him where the broccoli is;
he apologizes explaining that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and
goes back to work.
Several
moments later the same woman says “ I can’t find the broccoli”; he calmly
explains again that they’re all out and more will be in tomorrow and goes back
to work.
Five
minutes later the same woman says “ Why can’t I find the broccoli”; the
man turns to the woman and says “can you spell cat, like in catalog?”
The woman replies “cat”.
The
upset man asks ““can you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman
replies “dog”.
The
man heatedly asks ““can you spell f__k, like in broccoli?” The woman
screams back at him “there is no f__k in broccoli”. He screams back at
her “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
"The Middle Wife" by an
anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second
grade
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school
and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot
of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.
This is an inspirational piece
and a lovely tribute to the joys of aging …
Walk with me by the water, worth
the read...
A beautiful message about growing older:
Shit, I forgot the words....
DIRECT
AND RIGHT TO THE POINT...
|
From
a Teacher -- short and to the point
In
the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people
who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of
capitalization. For those of you who fall into this category, please
take note of the following statement...
"Capitalization
is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and
helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
|
Web
Side Sory
The
other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway
jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck',
and I starting jumping
up and down along with her.
She
said, 'I have some really great news!'
I
said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She
stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down and
told me that she was
pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I
couldn't be happier for you!'
Then
she said, 'There's more.'
I
asked, 'What do you mean there's more.'
She
said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed
at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she
knew. She said....
(You're
going to love this!)
'Well,
that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home
pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack.
Both tests came out positive.'
The ULTIMATE in
Women's Body Piercing...
Biggest
turn on for guys!
Men all over the country are urging their wives
and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure.
The going rate now exceeds $10,000.
Many men feel it is worth it.
Planting the garden (from
Michael Genender)
An old Italian man lived alone in
New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very
difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to
help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter and described his
predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a
reply.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI
agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie
The
Best Margarita Ad
The
Great Ad Libber (from Mike
Spier)
Many,
Many, Many years ago, Rockwell International decided to get into the heavy duty
automatic transmission business.
They
were getting ready to tape their first introductory video. As a warm up, the
stage crew began what has become a legend within the training industry.
This
man should have won an academy award for his stellar performance. He is
improvising all the way.
Now remember and keep in mind, this is strictly off the cuff, nothing is written
down. Nothing he says is true. He had NO script! This was a rehearsal
for camera, lighting and stage crew.
It's all total meaningless drivel made up as he goes along.
I am told this video is still utilized as a training aide for incoming
Congressmen, car salesmen, lawyers, and current White House Administrators.
Only
a Farm Kid... (from
Edyth Parker)
When
you're from the country, your perception is a little different ....
A
Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you
want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk
to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,
pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I
know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but
I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The
Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
(from
Mike Spear)
Best
friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in
spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share
office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a
sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was
also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down
again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" –
unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
It's
all about the look on the good dog's face ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
Hell,
yeah,
I'm
gonna
sniff
it!!
|
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For
all the keen gardeners out there ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
I have
never seen a Willy Pepper before ...
These are actual peppers from a garden. They
really are called "Willy Peppers."
By
the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long!
Sort
of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
Gentleman
Golfer (from
Jeffrey Parker)
A
golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf
course.
As he
goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It
says 'PRIVATE PROPERTY -
STAY OUT!'
The golfer
says, "I am sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have
it?"
The man
says, "It in my yard and so it is my ball now."
The golfer
looks at the man and says "I understand."
He then
walks back to the golf cart gets
a golf ball and
walks back and throws it in the yard.
The man
says "What is that for ?"
The
golfer replies "I'm a gentleman. Every prick should have two
balls."
Amazing home remedies
(from Mike Gorman)
1. Avoid cutting yourself when
slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you
chop.
2. AVOID arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the
sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be
afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
He's
My Brother (Jeffrey
Parker)
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and
proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
This
man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...
(oh! the things my mother sends me!)
Until he went to prison.
A
woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000
and feels pretty good about the results; so she decides to conduct a little
test.
She
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper and, before leaving, says
to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think
I am?'
'About
32,' is the reply.
'Nope!
I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The
girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The
woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now
she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on
her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The
clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again
she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They
wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.
She
finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He
slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against
each other.
After
a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He
completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned
and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The
old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I
promise I won't,' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
(from
Jeffrey Parker)
A
cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal.
Feeling
somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist:
$5.00
+Broiled
Missionary:
$10.00
+Fried
Explorer:
$15.00
+Baked
Democrat or Grilled Republican:
$100.00
The
cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why
such a high price for the Politicians?"
The
cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're
so full of shit, it takes all morning."
|
|
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN
COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE
OF THE PREGNANT LADY
(from
Mike Spier)
A
lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat
This
time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again… The man
seemed more amused.
When
on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.
The
case came up in court.
The
judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She
sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming'
and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick
Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your
Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost
it.
'CASE
DISMISSED!!' said the judge.
|
You
will never guess what this ad is about ... (from
Jeffrey Parker)
BEWARE
OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST! (from
my mother!)
One
evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim
Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair
of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he
said to himself as a ittle 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them
out.
'April', he hollered into the
bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker.
'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
When
Insults Had Class
These glorious
insults are from an era before the English
language boiled down to 4-letter words:
A member
of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either
die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That
depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether
I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had
delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has
all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire." - Winston Churchill
Lady to
Winston Churchill, If I were your wife, I would give
you poison. To which Churchill responded, madam,
if I were your husband, I would take it!
"I have
never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has
never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary." - William
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you
for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no
time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't
attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has
no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
George
Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"I am
enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
-
"Cannot possibly
attend first night, will attend second....
if there is one." - Winston Churchill,
in response.
"I feel
so miserable without you; it's almost like having
you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is
a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"I've just
learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is
not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness
in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is
simply a shiver looking for a spine to run
up." - Paul Keating
"In order
to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves
nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest
Tucker
"Why do
you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother
should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause
happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
go..." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses
statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts
... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has
Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had
a perfectly wonderful evening. But
this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
|
A
woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside
and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that... that is
way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church, to
confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional
booth and closes the door.
The boy says 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.'
As
a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing
noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room.
She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, downing
a cold beer, and watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on
the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
Pet Peeves from the dog's
perspective:
1. Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk
is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't
quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.
8. Dog sweaters ... Hello ... have you noticed the fur?
9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your
stuff up when you're not home.
10. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind
schedule that puts me?
11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back.
12. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment
for the top of the food chain.
Author, unknown
The
Arrogance of Authority
A
DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas ,
and talked with an old rancher.
He
told the rancher, "I need to
inspect your ranch for illegally grown
drugs."
The
rancher said, "Okay , but don't go
in that field over there...", as
he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
" Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching
into his rear pants pocket, he removed his
badge and proudly displayed it to the
rancher.
"See
this badge?! This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any
land !!
No
questions asked or answers given!!
Have I made myself clear ... do you
understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized,
and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard
loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA
officer running for his life, being chased
by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis
bull...
With every step the bull was gaining
ground on the officer, and it seemed
likely that he'd sure enough get gored
before he reached safety. The
officer was clearly terrified.
The
rancher threw down his tools, ran to the
fence and yelled at the top of his
lungs.....
"Your
badge, show him your BADGE... !"
|
|
|
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that
it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important
is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions,
and other signs of appreciation."
- - Anonymous
"I think, therefore I'm single."
- - Female philosopher
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- - W. Somerset Maugham
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
- - Smith & Jones
"Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority."
- - Doctor Who
"I am diagonally parked in a paralell universe"
- - Anonymous
Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
IBM means I Blame Microsoft.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER
Hardware:
This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
Bus Error - Please Take The Train.
For all those unfamiliar with Tenne-C, the comment delimiter is WHISPER. The computer stores all WHISPERed
comments in memory, but the instruction execution unit can never quite decode them, so they are ignored. Some
beta site users have reported an occasional problem with
IBM clone machines. These machines may get slightly confused or mildly paranoid due to the WHISPERed remarks
in the background, but the effects are usually limited to an occasional mutterance printed on the display.
"I am Pentium of Borg. Precision is Futile, Prepare to be Approximated."
"What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator."
Real programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make schedules. Managers firm-up schedules.
Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.
"Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the
universe."
-- Albert Einstein
"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary.
No such faith comforts the software engineer."
-- Fred Brooks.
"... and on the 7th day, God turned off his Macintosh."
Programming /n./ A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a
workstation...."
"The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
-- Mitch Ratcliffe.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95.'"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
Error messages can be quite strong indeed. We have one of the most arrogant compilers in the business,
a source of great pride for us. Typical error messages include:
WELL, IF THAT AIN'T ABOUT THE DUMBEST DANG THANG
I EVER SEEN!
WHADJA DO THAT FER?
ERROR TWENNY SEM, DUMB AICE!
DAMMIT, BOY, HOW MANY TIMES I GOT TO TELL YOU?!
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
the Universe is winning.
-- Rich Cook
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
"ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]"
" The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we
come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. "
-- Nathaniel Borenstein
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
-- Ferenc Mantfeld
"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the
most interesting."
-- Dr. Who
You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI
interface with a button labeled 'I'm a clue - click here to acquire me.'
-- Seth Finkelstein
The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
"The Meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to
objects of its own creation."
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
Hit any user to continue ...
"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies."
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
"One of the problems the internet has introduced is that in the electronic village all the village-idiots
have internet access."
--"Peter Nelson"
"We build (software) systems like the Wright brothers built airplanes -- build the whole thing, push it
off the cliff, let it crash, and start all over again."
-- R. M. Graham, 1968
Real programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only
to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners, and other mental defectives.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)ee in drive door
(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)elf-destruct?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
"Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-- Douglas Adams
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
-- Marilyn Pittman
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
"Get the facts first. You can distort them later."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking
that world, because they'd never expect it.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows
where you live.
Real programmer's programs don't work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine
they can be patched into working order in only
a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
"So long and thanks for all the fish"
- - The Dolphins
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Well, we're about to go in all for wrestling, brought to you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first ever
combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. And the makers
of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go
off! Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with
a bang!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited
while imagination embraces the entire world." -Albert Einstein
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
"On the side of the software box, in the 'System Requirements' section, it said 'Requires Windows
95 or better'. So I installed Linux."
Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this
terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences by showing young people that
it's just not worth it. So, so please ... give generously ...
to this address: The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London SW3.
Note that the optional extended obscenity instruction set should not be installed in clone machines. Should
such a machine crash, you could be arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
You see, to be quite frank Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botched job you see. We only
had seven days to make it.
-- 'Time Bandits'
The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed
- - Chamfort.
"The world is coming to an end. Please log off."
-- Posix 2.1.1 System Shutdown Message
Computers, all they ever think about is hex!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them...
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain...
Due to the current economic situation the light at the end of the
tunnel has been temporarily switched off.
Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi.
Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi
to do their programming.
-- Simon Slavin
All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
-- Philip K. Dick
Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."
"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."
"Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector."
"Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]"
"Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples:
Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ?
Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.
Guess which has just occured ?"
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
"Walking on water and developing software from a
specification are easy if both are frozen."
-- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
By the time (the Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But the
investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it cost a fortune to maintain
and is still in danger of collapsing. There are no plans to replace it, since it was never needed in the first
place. I expect every installation has its own pet
software which is analogous to the above.
-- Ken Iverson
I don't object to Microsoft's monopoly,
I object to Microsoft's mediocrity
-- Larry Ellison
"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something."
-- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl |
Employee
of the Month
We have a Winner!
![[]](employee.jpg)
This
is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
There is a reason laptop spelled
backwards is potpal.
A
balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida,
walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much
younger gal at his side.
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The
jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing
this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I
know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no
money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
See........Not All Seniors Are Senile
A
letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi
Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I
have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the
caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try
to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I
usually fall asleep.
Anyway
last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When
she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It
was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is
that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
BLESSED
ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
|
TWENTY-NINE
LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My
husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I
don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of
it.
3. Some
people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
4. I
used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out
alive.
6. You're
just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty
is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth
is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm
not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out
of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil,
the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The
gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being
'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
1 7. Wrinkled
Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.
18.
Procrastinate Now!
19. I
Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
20. A
hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They
call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A
picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
26.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.(how true)
27. The
trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The
original point and click interface was a Smith &
Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is
going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially
your friends! Life
is too short and friends
are
too few!
|
|
|
Air
Show Disaster:
Amazing
photos show great detail.
The
pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses
a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One
can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
Probably
scared the shit out of them.
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful
young girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you
are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl
says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After
the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably
have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!
Joe
wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes
across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The
bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is
shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He
immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition
for 10 years.
'Well,
it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain.'
And
he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That
night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally,
they take the bike there.
But
just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in.
'When
we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No
problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe
is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.
In
the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They
sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As
dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So
he leans over and kisses Sandra.
So
he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still,
nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off,
throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
'She's
got a great body,' he thinks.
So
he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties,
and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
After
she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now
his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But
still, Total silence.
All
of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket....
Suddenly
the father shouted....
'I'll
do the fucking dishes!
A
man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple
parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past
the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the
parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service
for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't
drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door,
and hurl them both out of the airplane at 10,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "You know, for
someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B....
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen
her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE,
ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
A
young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small town in New Brunswick .
With
his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly,
a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The
embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You
stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your
knee!"
-------A
man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly
at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight
under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked
in."
Jesus
is back
Beefeater
tour of the Tower of London
I
recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a
packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy. There was this beautiful
woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new
at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the
package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me
to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked
confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. 'Do these excite you?', she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck
that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip
the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed
her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We
don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done
within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my
thumb to show her. That's when she beat the crapout of me....
|
A
tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl
about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss
an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me
a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous!
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
Subject: Understanding
Engineers (from Chris Kloss)
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second
engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when
a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off
all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer
nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice:The clothes probably wouldn't
have fit
you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's
with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's
have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong
with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The
green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a
moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, " Good idea. I'm going to
contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The
graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate
with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He
bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and
stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled
at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss
me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and
do
anything you want. "Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled
at it and
put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for
one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The engineer
said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking
frog - now that's cool!" |
"I
LOVE
YOU"
IN
10
LANGUAGES
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I
Love
You
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Te
Amo
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Je
T'aime
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Ich
Liebe
Dich
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Ai
Shite
Imasu
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Ti
Amo
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Wo
Ai
Ni
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|
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Jag
Alskar
Dig
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As
Tave
Meliu
|
Alabama
,
Arkansas,
Oklahoma,
Texas,
Louisiana,
South
Carolina,
Georgia,
Tennessee,
Florida,
Mississippi
,
Kentucky,
North
Carolina,
West
Virginia,
Virginia,
Saskatchewan,
Alberta
|
Nice
Tits,
Get
in
the
Truck.
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These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
A
new blonde joke!!!
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blond declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper
replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give
it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators
all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the
gator onto its back.
Then,
rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration...
'SHIT'!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
A
LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND
BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...
AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...
VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED
HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE
NEAR...
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF
A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...
GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE
QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE
TIFFANY'S...
HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP
YOU TODAY???
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN
SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE
PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING
TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE..."
My
prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please
don't mix these up like you did last year!
APARTMENT for RENT
(my mother sent this to me!)
THIS IS TOO FUNNY ... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for
$250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady....
My
wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was
awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM
"Hi
Jack!" (South African humor, from Simche Sherer)
A
foursome of guys is waiting at
the mens tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The
ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit
her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then
she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She
looks up at the patiently waiting
men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those " F---ING LESSONS" I took
over the winter didn't help.'"
One
of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it. You should have
taken "golf lessons" instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
He was 43...
Old guys are helpful ...
An old
guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What
does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with
long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing
tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look
like?"
The old
guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most old men are helpful like that.
Verne was teeing off from
the men's tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's
tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the temple,
killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to
the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that
correct?"
Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan."
Q. What's a dyslexic
agnostic insomniac?
A. Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
REALLY
BAD TYPO THAT SPELLCHECK CANNOT FIX!
A
husband sent this to his wife:
"I'm
having a wonderful time, wish you were her."
It's
a Jersey Christmas ....
|
Sometimes
when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into
the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to
drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry
about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I
feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When
I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning
~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24
hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think
not."
H. L.. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When
we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER:
HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember
"I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To
some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group - Salvation in a
can!
Leo Durocher
~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the "Buffalo Theory"
to his buddy Norm:
"Well,
ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as
the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members!; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers." |
Barroom
Braggarts
As
good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still
prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place
called McTavishs'. The landlord goes out of his way for the
locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my
local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back
home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the
place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on
the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did
this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
A man watching a hockey game on
TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex.
"I don't know whether to
watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch
them," his wife said.
"You already know how to
play Hockey!"
History
of the World According to Student Bloopers
Many
say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED...
But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY
FINISHED
The
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In
the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot
older than that.
Anyway,
God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
He
split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet.
Adam
and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam
and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel.
Pretty
soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One
of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check.
After
Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a
son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another
important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.
God
fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include:
don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff.
Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.
One
of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence fell over on the town.
After
Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who
had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After
Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and
then barfed up on the shore.
There
were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After
the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in
a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close
the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,
'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During
His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees, the Democrats, and the Republicans.
Jesus
also had twelve opossums.
The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that
they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus
was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But
the Democrats, the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick
up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways,
Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.
All
She Wants To Do Is Screw
What
is Celibacy? (from
Jeffrey Parker)
Celibacy
can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the
instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can
you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank
leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose,
isn't it?
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...
Lunch with the girls (from
Jeffrey Parker)
Two
women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic
surgery.
The
first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob
job."
The
second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my
ass hole bleached!"
"Whoa,"
replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a
blonde!"
THE
POTTY (from Loren Kane)
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS
BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS
SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE
PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS
HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A
WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY,
WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY
SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
(from Mike Gorman)
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia
gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new
attorney?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
And the best
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
A
Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip,
so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He
went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The
salesman there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything
that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except.....the Voodoo
Penis!"
The
husband said "The what"?
The
man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed
to be an ordinary dildo.
The
husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The
salesman then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis,
door!"
The
penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so
much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman
said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped
and returned to the box.
The
husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She
undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch." The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely
incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very
exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it
off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the
hospital.
On
the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping
and twitching, the woman said "I haven't! had any thing to drink
officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my
c-c-c-crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The
officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
"Yeah right. Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"
The
rest, as they say, is history....
HOW
TO START A FIGHT (received from Edyth
Parker)
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her
a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still
haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started ....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want
to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that
your
final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he
took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, pouring a drink. It was always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I
was gone only a minute,and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then
I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my
wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
_______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your
eyesight's
nearly perfect."
And then the fight started........
I
just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the
starving people throughout the world.
I told them to kiss my ass!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
An
elderly man is stopped by the police around
1
a. m.
and
is asked where he is going at
this
time of night.
The
man replies,
“I
am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse
and the effects it has on the human body”.
The
officer then asks,
“Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The
man replies,
“My
wife.”
This
blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes
and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her
husband that blondes really are smart.
While
her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her
husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a
heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if
she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies
that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and
she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He
then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
"FOR
BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Animal planet (received
from Stan Parker): I'm
not jumping in!
What
goes around comes around
| (from Jeffrey Parker) |
|
Inner
Peace
If
you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring
people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day
and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame
without resentment,
If
you can conquer tension without
medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
....Then
You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And
you thought I was going to get all spiritual |
My new doctor ...
I
went to my doctor's office the other day,only to find out my old doctor
had retired,& his replacement was a new,young,female,drop-dead
gorgeous blue-eyed blonde !!!!...
I guess she could tell, I was a little nervous,& perhaps appeared
slightly embarrassed,so she said:"Don't worry, I'm a
professional....I've seen it all before....
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll verify your concerns and see if I can
help you in any way I can."
So I said: "I think my penis tastes funny..."
The
"Middle Wife" by an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher
I've
been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the
best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a
few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have
a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet
turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like
that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If
they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well,
one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her
turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her
sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh
and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now
this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
"My Dad called the middle wife... She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica
lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from
Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside
there.
"When
he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there."
Then
Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm
sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I
bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife comes along.
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT
LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard
you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10)The best place to be
when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS
HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT
GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES
OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
When
top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...
Next time you use a
pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked...
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex,
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the
gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst
out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
from Mike Spier:
In
print: You cannot make this stuff up ...
Family Feud: This lady’s knee-jerk
answer to a harmless question in the lightning round is quite possibly the
greatest moment in "Family
Feud" history.
| courtesy of Lorin Kane,
The Husband Store |
A
store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is
intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's
nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand
it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(Scroll and keep
reading!)
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.
The
first floor has wives that love sex.
The
second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The
third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
Doormats
... with attitude
More from the collection of Jeffrey
Parker:
LESSON FOR TODAY
![[]](cow1.jpg)
Sometimes, we try too
hard to get to the greener grass.
In the process, we end up in trouble.
And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a
situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember:
Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!!
![[]](cow2.jpg)
That is the end of today’s lesson!
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a
large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I
can`t
stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete
failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old
lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all, I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the
whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
THE
SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant
me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway;
The good fortune to run into the ones I do;
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
"FATHER OF THE YEAR" (from
Jeffrey Parker)
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company; These are customer complaints."
Can
We get Married in Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When
St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter
said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go
find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it
all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together
forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
The
Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. (from
Kathy Parker)
Here
are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying
a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus :
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton :
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
4. Reintarnation :
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (
n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
6. Foreploy :
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti :
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm :
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte :
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis :
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon :
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
13. Glibido :
All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler
Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic
Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (
n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're
eating.
The
Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest,
in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1.
Coffee,
n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted,
adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate,
v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade,
v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly,
adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent,
adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph,
v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle,
n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence,
n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash,
n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle,
n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude,
n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon,
n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.
Oyster,
n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism,
n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets
stuck there.
16. Circumvent,
n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
And,
from Loren Kane:
1)
How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a
commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to P ass.
Check your answers below.
WORLD'S
EASIEST QUIZ!
(Passing requires only 3
correct answers out of 10!)
Only
total thicko's will fail !!
|
|
|
|
ANSWERS
1)
How long did the Hundred Years War last ?
116
years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep
and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution ?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel
fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after
what animal?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New
Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a
commercial airplane? Orange
(of course!)
What do you mean, you failed?!!
Me, too...!!!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
|
| From the collection of
Jeffrey Parker: |
| All eyes were on the
radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded
with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave
him back his credit card.
|
John was on his
deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear,"he
said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to
marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!" |
|
Graveside
Service (from
Jeffrey Parker)
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and
being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I
finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late. I went to the side of the grave and
looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played before for
this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,'
the workers began to weep.
They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was
full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
Why can't men just ask for directions?
|
Paraprosdokian sentences (from Jeffrey
Parker)
A
paraprosdokian (from Greek meaning "beyond" and meaning
"expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of
a sentence or phrase is surprising in a way that causes the reader or listener
to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or
dramatic effect.For
this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.This
is for all you comedians out there.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So
I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the
list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
"If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,
even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,
and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whateverit
is you hit the
target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have
no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A
SENIOR'S TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the Checkout line
when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, so on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete
so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
Laughing so hard.
Costco
won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They
have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A young
man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While
there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes,
wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After
a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally
squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they
are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered . . . . 'Outside,
when you said you heard someone coming.... That was me.'
Subject: Top
Ten Country & Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is.
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
I lost
the trivia contest at the church social last night, by one point -- The
last question was: "Where do most women have curly
hair?"
Apparently the correct
answer is: Africa.
You
ain't gonna believe these ...
"Hoist with his own
petard"
A fellow was getting
ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked
if he could join him.
The first fellow
said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after
the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched,
how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he
wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won
the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking
off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed
that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro got all
flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro said,
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The
Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll
marry them...."
WOULD
YOU REMARRY?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
the Wife
looks over at him and asks the question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being
married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit..."
|
FEMALE
COMPASSION
(The
depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)
A
man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He
had no arms and no legs.
Three
women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor
man.
The
first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The
man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The
second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The
man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The
third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been
fucked?'
The
fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said,
'No.'
She
said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
|
|
|
(received from ... my mother!)
My wife and I went to the
Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at
was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said,
I
don't remember much about what happened next
My condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable , I should eventually make a full recovery.
And, for you Catholics out
there ... (received
from Jeffrey Parker)
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to
spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the
workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked
over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They
shook their heads and looked at each other... very
confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and
yelled out, "Anybody
up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's
here with his lunch."
High
School Reunion (from Jeffrey Parker)
Rachel,
Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover
each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel
arrives first,wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized
kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a
faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the
wine.
Rachel
explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in
Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a
4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama
school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .
Clare
relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a Consultant
Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida
.
Samantha
explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They
run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can
stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Half
way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the
her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Walmart. They live in a
small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage
facility.
Clare,
chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and
Clive are both nurses' aides in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation
at a motel in Orlando .
Samantha
confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
King Arthur and
the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was
moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,
the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would
have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He
had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur. He
said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom
and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make
YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
These
great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game
show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter
Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of
the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX
1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory ... I
don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the
Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still
sleep with their wives!
Apple
announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play
music.
The iTit
will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is
considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!
Medicine Man (received
from Edyth Parker)
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift
certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it
must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working? "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'"
he
responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we too could end up with a dangling participle.
DAD
AT THE MALL (received from Jeffrey Parker)
I
took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. His clothes were equally colorful: bright blue
pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt....and I think there was eye makeup
involved, too. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.
When
the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What?s the matter, old
man? Never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I
quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he
would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his
response:
"Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."
The
Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! (received
from Jeffrey Parker)
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty
sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of
having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a
quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The
only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other
products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were
acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10
List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very
well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10.
Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5.
Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a
man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to
Life!
And the unanimous number
one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
Irony ...
A
true senior experience - we'll get there and will not even know we did -
that's the great part about it.
An
83 year old woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer.
The
officer asked the woman, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"
The
woman looked very perplexed, but stammered out, "Well - yes I was - but
I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going."
A
few minutes later the woman was on her way, in the possession of a warning
ticket, and the young officer was standing there shaking his head, with a
smile on his face.
Birds
of a feather flock together . . . and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If
you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in
trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells
'Theirs....'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of
Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
A
woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
Home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is
asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
For Mother’s Day:
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN).
To those of us who have children in our lives, Whether they are our own, Grandchildren, Nieces,
Nephews, or students ... This will make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" Said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped Creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" Said the Father.
"I don't know," Said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising His children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
Trunk monkeys
(hysterical)
An
Irish school girl who knows what she wants (received
from Jeffrey Parker)
REDNECK LENT
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
The
other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old
Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my
shirt that
I had downloaded off the Internet.
When
I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got
up and left. I guess they decided that they
weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours
off my waiting time.
Here's
the patch. Feel free to use it the next time
you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It
also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the
Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of
any machine, most still running.
Don't
try it at McDonald's though.....
The
whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
|
|
Caution... They
walk among us!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put
it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want
it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge
for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***They walk
among us!***
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said...'where?'
***They walk among us!!***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was
north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the
sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I
don't keep up with that stuff.'
***They walk among us!!***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one
of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think
she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They walk among us!!!!***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a
scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.
***They walk among us! ***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
***They walk among us!!!!!***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted
10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.....
***They walk among us!!!!!!***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to
an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the
same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned..
***They walk among us!!!!!!! ***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled
and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in
good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
***They walk among us!!!!!!!!***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4
pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Not only
do they walk among us, they also vote and
reproduce!!!!
Born
This Way: The Difference Between Men and Women (hysterical)
Can
you remember?
Medical
dilemmas
Supermarket
products from around the world
Psychopath
Test (received from .... my brother)
Food ...
gone bad
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that
said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for
it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the
situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
IN
THIS SHORT VIDEO, THE HOSTESS IN THE LOBBY OF A BIG HOTEL
INFORMS A
SENIOR CITIZEN THAT NO BATHING SUITS ARE ALLOWED IN THE
LOBBY. SCORE ONE MORE
FOR SENIORS! LIKE SOMEONE SAID, DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE.
THEY'RE ALREADY
MAD BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD AND YOU CAN'T HOPE TO WIN.
Don't mess with
old people
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Clean
the INSIDE of your computer screen
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You
probably don't clean your
computer screen very often and
it is really hard to do the inside, so here
is my present to you.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa
(received courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)
The IRS decides to audit
Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice
burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way
this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
Deaf
Sex (recieved
courtesy of Jeffrey Parker)
Two
deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that
they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they
can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling
around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She
writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The
husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife that if she
wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she
doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
FROZEN
SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her
husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take
it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O.K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put i
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